Today I went to trade in my Vauxhall Corsa

Today I went to trade in my Vauxhall Corsa for a Rolls Royce but the wanker in the showroom wouldn't give me the trade in price I asked for.  I said that unless he changes his mind by the end of next month I will be selling my motor at rock bottom price to We Buy Any Car. Com - that'll learn him.

It takes 2 to Brexit

Well, IT has finally happened.   Boris Johnson

has prorogued parliament in an attempt to stop it passing legislation to prevent a no-deal Brexit… but beyond the hullabaloo about whether or not this is constitutional I’ve started to wonder if it really matters…

That’s not to say that the constitutional implications of Johnson’s decision to ask the Queen to scupper the parliamentary timetable aren’t important … but people seem to forget that it’s not just what Boris or Parliament wants that matters… but what the EU wants.

Article 50 was triggered by a vote in parliament that said this should happen by the 30^th of March 2017.  Theresa May wrote to the EU triggering article 50 on the 29^th of March 2017.   This set the two year clock ticking on Brexit negotiations.  

However, by 20^th of March 2019 it was clear that Parliament couldn’t agree to back Mrs May’s deal so an extension was sought.   The European Council agreed to a postponement until the 22^nd of May.   

Again Parliament, the Government and the European Council couldn’t agree so the deadline was postponed again to the 10^th of April.  This agreement required Mrs May to again grovel to the divided European Council in the most humiliating fashion ...

...but after Mrs May had chewed her way through a huge helping of humble pie Brexit was indeed delayed at the mercy of the EU leaders until 31st October 2019.  I expect by now however, their quality of mercy is becoming strained...

Now it could be that Parliament could force the Government to agree to a further extension by finding a way to pass more legislation to thwart Boris Johnson’s plans … but they can’t force the Prime Minister to negotiate a new deal with European Council and – although they say they want to avoid the UK crashing out the EU – it is by no means certain that the European Council will grant a further extension even if Parliament or the Prime Minister asks for it. 

At this point the European Council could well throw in the towel, say they don’t care and let a no-deal Brexit happen anyway.  Everyone seems to be forgetting that there are in fact two parties in the negotiations – the UK and the EU and either can walk away…

Of course one could ask why Parliament voted for a potential no deal Brexit in the first place …? presumably because they thought that Mrs May would be in a better negotiating position but … that didn’t seem to work, did it?  

All the omens are that the European Council will let the country crash out on the 31^st of October.  

At least that’s the case if legislation alone is used to solve the problem.  In my opinion there is no solution that’s workable to extend the deadline yet again that doesn’t involve removing Boris and replacing him with a caretaker administration.  Clearly there is no point in being Prime Minister if you can’t get your legislation through parliament and thus an election is very imminent.  But it is in my view a long shot that the European Council will grant another extension and sit back while the UK has yet another indecisive General Election.  They may well decide that the uncertainty has gone on too long, there’s nothing in it for them and make the decision for us by refusing to negotiate with either Boris, Jeremy, Ken or any other Prime Minister…

…and maybe that would be for the best.  Or maybe not...  We assume that if the Prime Minister asks the European Council for another extension then it will just give them one to avoid looking mean spirited in public.  But what if they don’t…?  The Council is made up of the leaders of all the EU countries and they have to answer to their domestic populations who may well think ...nah!  After all they too don’t have to do anything to avoid a no deal Brexit – it’s the default position.

As to how unconstitutional it all actually is… One remembers people saying Margaret Thatcher’s use of guillotine motions was unconstitutional.   They weren’t – they were just disrespectful and cynical - but soon New Labour took up the same tactics.  Boris isn’t breaking any rules … he’s just bending them like a clown making balloon animals for a children’s party…

Emotional brutality amongst the brutalist campus architecture...

Watched a BBC documentary on the Warwick University rape "banter" case…. Reminded me that I dislike Warwick University.   I knew someone many years ago who went there who was bullied there.  When I went for the interview for Warwick I absolutely hated the place and the few times I’ve visited I’ve disliked it too.  It’s such an ugly concrete blob.  As a stand up visiting such places in later life I’ve continued to dislike campus Universities.  Martin Coyote used to do a gag “I’ve been doing a lot of University gigs recently – I feel like somebody’s dad who’s been sent round to cheer everybody up".  Where I went to University in Leeds there is a campus but it’s very much in and still part of the town and so you don’t feel the same sense of isolation.  Listening to the men ranking women in the order they would like to rape them I wondered if the dystopian sense of isolation that the brutalist concrete architecture seems to me to represent was a factor in any of this.   

The female student who bravely gave her testimony straight to camera in the dystopian setting of a completely empty student bar explaining how these people had all been close personal friends of her’s and her friends…

...how they’d been to each other’s houses at Christmas, been on holidays together and all of that while at the same time the men had been ranking the women as potential rape victims and fantasising about pinning them down…. 

...made me wonder if the claustrophobia/agoraphobia these places engender in me is a factor in any of this...   Only I never really hung out with the cream of University society but even I can’t remember having discussions with my mates about raping women ...

....but that may be because the internet hadn't been invented and I didn’t have many friends.  I spent most of my time hanging out with older people who had left the University but still hung round the student union as like a sort of social flotsam and jetsam.   I’ve heard other people say they were bullied at University and when I look at these campus Universities they increasingly remind me of schools and it always seems that the people who say this went to one of these enclosed campus Universties - sorry "Unis".  A place to herd young people away where they won’t be bothering the grown-ups… 

Everyone came over quite well except the rape centre lady who complained that it was wrong of the University to call the complainant in for an interview the day after the allegations were made yet simultaneously complained about the University later taking two months to reach a decision which seemed a bit moaning for the sake of it.  However, she had a point that people going into these processes don't really know what they're letting themselves in for or how big it will get...  

The University got in trouble for cross-examining the victims and using a press officer to do the investigation but all this would have faded away if – having separated the internet bystanders from the actively involved – they hadn’t then done a U-turn and reduced their suspensions from 10 years to 1 year.   

What’s the point in a 1 year suspension anyway?  What happened to people getting “sent down” like in P G Wodehouse novels…?  Oddly when it came to this issue the rape centre lady didn’t really make her points very well… but I suppose she means well.  Can’t be a nice job…

Call me a graduate from the University of the Bleeding Obvious but it has to be said that there was indeed something very nasty about the whole thing.  Even the bystanders amongst the Warwick 11 leave you with a feeling that all these people were “in on it” whether actively engaged or not.  Part of me wondered were some of these men just using the word “rape” as an inflammatory substitute for “fuck” but that didn't really fly as an excuse for what they did even to my inner Horace Rumpole… it was like a kind of Lord of the Flies meets In Dubious Battle.  Anyway … let us away from this depressing subject…

It is a bank holiday...

... so single malt whisky is reduced in price by 1/3.  This is pure price fixing by the Supermarkets so should be banned.  I mean this stuff is supposed to be 12 years old so it is implausible that it has reduced in price by someone opening a previously unexpected glut of it.  When it was casked Tony Blair was in Downing Street and the financial crash hadn't happened so there can be a change in demand but not supply... Whiskey... defying economics endlessly... I mean why don't they just sell it at a sensible price all year round?  You can set your chronometer by their bank holiday reductions...

I'm not saying I'm a slob...

... But perhaps I could do the washing up just a little bit more often...

An evening with India...

Talking to myself of people wanting to assassinate the Royalty I just came across a documentary on the telly about the IRA assassination of Lord Mountbatton.

They interviewed his granddaughter India (named after the fact that Lord M was the last Viceroy).  Had to laugh when she said something like “he didn’t really live in a castle it was just a mansion with a turret”. 

Sorry you seemed like a nice lady but nobody's buying you're middle class, India.

For some reason the security services didn’t protect Lord M properly and the IRA put a remote control bomb on his boat.   

I always wondered if the lack of enthusiasm to protect Lord Mountbatten had anything to do with this…

…but it seems more likely watching the documentary that the silly old fool just had no idea how close to the troubles he was living or the scale of the problem.  Then again this was a man so vain he thought he could run the country better than Harold Wilson.  Then again maybe that wasn't that hard in the 60s...

There were a few things I hadn’t thought about in the documentary … such as … the relatives that also died on the boat and the coordinated terror attacks on the paratroopers on the same day.  Odd now to see the scale of the troubles… there was the obligatory footage of the man with the blood stained white surrender hanky on bloody Sunday.

Prince Charles called Lord Mountbatton the “grandfather” he never had but never-the-less when the peace process eventually came the Queen shook Martin McGuiness’s hand.  Well, that's her job I suppose shaking the hands of dubious people... nice to see her working for a living at least...

She semed to draw the line at asking “and what do you do?” ...

I'm not saying the monarchy are unpopular...

... But they do seem to need an increasing volume of paraphernalia to protect them....

Then again when pelicans go on the turn.......

Important news about my conservatory...

As a failed promoter... I have a grudging respect for all flyerers, publicists and deliverers of junk mail however incompetent ... however surely it was by anyone's standards the height of silly pointlessness to deliver an envelope entitled "Important News about your Conservatory" to a 2nd floor walk up flat. 

Then again it's more effort than the Church of England put in.  God moves in mysterious ways - but not as far up as the 2nd landing.  I'd have some sympathy but I live directly opposite it's not like they had to walk far to bring them here.  Surely actually popping these through the letterbox would not be too stressful?  Possibly I'm not worth the pilgrimage but then again it's hardly the Zambezi expedition...

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Good food exists less when it's Sainsburys

I don't know if it's Brexit related but there wasn't much ham in Sainsburys yesterday.  Not much humous either.  Have the shortages started already?  Maybe we see only want we want to see but I see many shelves half empty (or half full?)

Humans vs Cats

Oi Oi

https://www.facebook.com/groups/189972024868/

Yet another failed career...

This week I have been mainly exploring the much vaunted opportunities on the internet for making money from nothing (or your opinions which in my case are the same thing).  First I visited the 20 Cogs website which claims that if you fill in 20 3^rd party forms online it will give you several hundred pounds.  This may be so but many of the links are to gambling sites or magazine subscriptions that require an upfront deposit which doubtless you can get refunded if you cancel within a specified period.  So it probably is possible to make money if you’re prepared to share your card details with all and sundry and have the world’s most organised diary for ringing up and cancelling services.  20 worrying obligations would sound a better name…

Next I tried a place called Opinion Outposts.  This site gives you points for filling in surveys which then cash out to paypal.  However, I discovered that the catch is one is not a valid participant to many of the surveys.  Most of them ask you questions up front to discover how boring you are and having no interest in sport, wine, buying things for the sake of ownership or conspicuous consumption I was unable to qualify for most of the surveys.   Clearly it is not aimed at those with little to no disposable income who are probably the only people sad enough to have the time to do it...

Outpost is the right word.  It is like being exiled to a mental Siberia where one answers one boring question after another purely in search of money.  About half way through I was resigned to the fact this is a waste of time but felt compelled to continue in an attempt to cash in my points for £2.50 via paypal.  This must be one of the most tedious ways of making money I have ever encountered and I can only think it might come in useful as something to do during tedious phone conversations instead of scribbling on a pad.  Apparently there are many other such sites offering the dystopian opportunity to empty one’s mind for cash instead of putting anything useful in it … but doubtless most of them would also conclude that since I have opted out of consumerism to do things like reading and writing then there is not much point in investing in me…

Yet another failed career....

Stacey Dooley gets blanked by the real housewives of the former Islamic State of Iraq and Syria

The oddest Panorama this week – a lady named Stacey Dooley who has an MBE and the kind of regional accent that makes one simultaneously nostalgic for received pronunciation while also feeling a snob ... pootled about the refugee camps of Syria/Iraq/Kurdistan to talk to ex-IS caliphate “brides”. 
This seemed to involve her asking them self-incriminating questions and then giving them hard stares when they replied that they didn’t really know what IS did ... because they were doing the washing up at the time etc.  And stuff like that.  The most silly exchange probably being:

Stacey : “You do know there were aid workers who came out here who were beheaded by IS?”

ISIS-bride: “Yes, but no one asked my opinion about that.”

Almost all of the women interviewed said they

didn’t really know what was going on.

One lady said she had been groomed which was a bit laughable as she looked at least 30 … but I could be wrong.

With her seemingly limited knowledge of Sunni/Shir/Kurdish politics …

…it was very difficult for Ms Dooley to make any meaningful inroads with her questioning.  Most of it was verging on directly saying “you know you’re accessories to murder?” or “are you aware you have committed treason?”   

This uncomplicated cross-examination technique for the most part just elicited blank looks – when her interlocutors took their veils off and also when they did not…

And that was pretty much it.   

Apart from some well meaning Kurdish camp guard lady who thought some of them could be reformed if someone was nice to them…

If there was a message I think it was that the Western governments these ladies came from should accept some responsibility for them… to prevent re-radicalisation or the death of their interred offspring….

…but maybe there doesn’t need to be a message to this kind of thing – maybe the job of journalists is just to show us what’s there because …it is so. 

So…

...so what?

How many car mechanics does it take to change a lightbulb?

I was driving about some time ago when some cheerful soul with an Eastern European accent (the ones we are having Brexit over) alerted me in a rather British way as we were both stuck in a traffic jam to the fact my rear brake light had gone out.  

So the next day I rang up my local main dealer (at the approximate time of day that the call centre where they know nothing technical are not available to intercept all calls with pointless upselling questions) and asked them if they could change the lightbulb.

“Not until Tuesday (6 days time) I’m afraid – we haven’t got the hours.”

“But it’s only changing a bulb?”

“Yes but we haven’t got the hours.”

"But you're in retail and I can get done for this so can't you make time?"

"No, all the hours are gone."

So I rang another dealer and they said they were too busy to make an appointment but would ring me back when they had time...

So I thought it can’t be that hard I’ll ask Kwik-Fit...  so I rang up the local branch.

“Hello I’ve got a Vauxhall Corsa - my brake light’s gone, can you change it?”

“Oh, I don’t know that we’ve got the parts in stock…”

“Sorry mate, you’re a garage for people who can’t afford the main dealer …isn’t having this kind of stuff in stock kind of the point of you…?”

“Well, I’m not sure which would be the right light”

“Oh forget it …”

Of course I could get him the right light but if he doesn't know which light is right before he's done the labour it doesn't inspire much confidence in his ability to take the light housing off and get it back on again correctly and I don't want him messing up the warranty...

So I googled it.  It’s not as hard as changing the front bulb which involves removing most of the front wing…

https://youtu.be/eN56qYwPbx4

…but really it's still painful and... why does it have to be this hard?  It’s like someone sits round at the design stage and says “Well, we want to make changing the bulbs difficult – not so difficult that an idiot can’t still do it but hard enough that the customer is too scared to try it for themselves.  I thought we could start by having different filaments for different bulb types and then hiding the screws behind a panel so it’s really hard to see around the corner…  Then we could make the bulb boxes look the same…"

Never mind I can drive without a brake light for a week?  After all what’s the worst that can happen?  £60 fine, 3 penalty points and someone drives right up my arse…