Friday, 31 May 2019

The Slow Torture of the Brighton Keypad Parking System



The other day I went to the Brighton festival where parking is a problem … Normally I park at the top of the hill and walk down but as I was doubling up between venues for the Fringe I made the brave attempt to actually park in the town centre.  I had printed out maps and plotted my route carefully to circumnavigate Brighton’s complicated one way systems in order to find a car park.  So I parked the car temporarily and as I was driving round the block to the car park I thought … I know I’d park on a meter – there’s only a couple of hours before the meters switch off.

Now there was a time when parking on a meter required a large volume of small change constantly on hand but today we have technology to make it even more painful.  For now we have posts and a number you should ring to enter a reference number… except of course this is only easy if you have already set up an account.  But if you aren’t local you have to set up your account from scratch using only a telephone keypad using 9 numbers to enter 24 letters and a 16 digit card number and security code and expiry date and generate your own pin while you’re at it and, of course, enter a 5 digit location reference number.  Could it be more painful?

They really want us to walk but … the problem is going on public transport I just couldn’t get there on time so I had to suffer keypad code torture.  To make it worse my pen ran out so I had to get out the car to get the number off the post and then get back in to prevent someone seeing me entre my card number…

…and then just when you think you’ve done it all correctly a voice says “Thank you.  Parking for 2 hours [it’s 6 the meter turns off at 8] costs the same as parking over night until 9am tomorrow morning.  If you are happy with this press 2”.  So now you have to press 2 or circumnavigate the entire keypad menu again …so you are forced to give them more money than you need to in order to avoid more keypad torture.  Then again who knows how much money it should actually cost because whereas meters used to show you how many hours you get for how many £ the post tells you nothing at all… it just bills you immdiately.

Friday, 24 May 2019

Today we have sacking of May

Today we have sacking of May.
Yesterday, we had EU negotiating.
And tomorrow morning,
We shall have how to do Brexit after firing her.
But to-day, today we have the sacking of May.
Knives glisten like the cufflinks of the 1922 Committee,
And today we have the sacking of May.

Thursday, 23 May 2019

There is nothing to fear but Quora its self...

As the years go on I grow to hate the internet more and more.  My current pet hate at the moment is Quora … a website for answering questions but what it really does is echo back to your email questions that will prey on your subconscious fears.

At the moment it is absolutely obsessed with bombarding me with questions and answers about job interviews and job application processes.  These threads disgorge such pearls of wisdom as … that if you haven’t got a job that your full time job is looking for a job.  Except of course it isn’t.  You don’t have a job if you don’t have a job.  It's a hobby...

It is one of life’s mysteries how when you do have a job people offer you jobs that you don’t want because they are worse than the job you have got but when you don’t have a job people don’t offer you the jobs that are worse than the job you used to have.  I know why this is and yet I never really understand it or want to but Quora constantly reminds me like my own personal unmotivator.

All of the people who comment on the site assiduously miss the heresy that the job market is broken as more and more employers lay the risks of the business onto employees rather than shareholders resulting in the absurd situation of people who have jobs having to reapply for their own jobs because it is easier to make people redundant than admit some people are bad at their jobs or that some jobs are pointless… Once people had jobs ... now they have the full time job of applying for jobs as a job.

All of these depressing/negative thoughts that I usually shunt to the back of my mind because they are unproductive Quora seems to prey on so I have finally taken action … It is time to end Quora and what it represents  – an industry of fear.  The industry of everyone telling everyone else how to get a job because there aren’t enough real jobs to go round...  Someone has to take a stand … Someone has to put a line in the sand … Someone has to end it!

Today I have closed my Quora account.  Prey on somebody else’s paranoia Quora!

Thursday, 16 May 2019

Can you believe what Tutankhamun looks like today?!



Can you believe what Tutankhamun looks like today?!


Like many I remember him as the world famous boy king who moved the capital of Egypt from Akhetaten back to the city of Thebes but shortly after that Tutankhamun seemed to completely vanish from public life with little or no explanation.  



It turns out that immediately after breaking his leg in a racing accident the then boy King quickly contracted malaria - an infection from which he never fully recovered.  Soon he stopped going out the house as much.  After his wounds healed badly he developed a club foot and was soon unable to walk without the aid of a stick.  Following these misfortunes the once gregarious King became extremely self concious about being seen in public and his health began a downward spiral. 

Cut to a few years later and soon Tutankhamun started suffering from full on agoraphobia and he now rarely leaves his apartment in the Valley of the Kings.  Friends also worry that he has become anorexic.  He hardly eats anything at all.  Sources say he is now remarkably gaunt looking and frequently bandaged.  His illnesses have had a devastating effect on all his relationships


King Tutankhamun and and his wife Ankhesenamun are now estranged- a fact Ankhesenamun declines to talk about despite considerable media interest.  It is believed the divorce settlement is one of the largest in legal history and may contain a gagging clause...


But whatever the truth of their relationship what is known is that it came under considerable strain after he fell from his chariot in a road accident and started to require full time home nursing. 

After being deposed as Pharaoh Tutankhamun made several attempts to revive his career as an all powerful potentate but he has never managed to recapture his glory days. 

It is sad for his friends to see that he is now reduced to touring and exhibiting his possessions and extensive jewellery collections in an attempt to raise the much needed revenue he requires to pay former Queen Ankhesenamun her considerable alimony.

  
Time will tell if King Tutankhamun can ever recover his fortunes and make it to the top table of unelected autocrats again… as fans ourselves we certainly hope he can and wish him all the best.

Tuesday, 30 April 2019

George Monbiot literally talks bullshit

The other day I switched on the Today program to remember why I don't listen to it anymore.  George Monbiot and a lady I'd never heard of were talking about the loss of carbon sinks to our agricultural industry and global warming.

No one will be shocked to learn that George's plan for the future involved us all turning vegan but what disturbed me more was their view of agriculture as simply a series of carbon sinks with which to offset global warming.

We can reduce CO2 in the atmosphere if we stop cows farting is a rejection of agriculture as a natural part of the carbon cycle.  Of course if it was all trees and bogs this would capture more carbon but clearly humans stopped being hunter gatherer societies some time ago because if we hadn't we'd still be living in caves.  Of course heavily pesticided land is not going to capture as much carbon as land farmed using traditional organic rotational methods ... but it seems to me wrong to see it as the job of the farming industry to put right the pollution created by the industrial burning of fossil fuels for well over 150 years.  It's as though none of these people have even heard of the carbon cycle...



...whereby the CO2 naturally produced by the cows eating grass is supposed to return to the earth in dung.  No we need to control the very small amounts of methane that are given out in cow farts etc...

There may be some truth in this but trying to merge together the effects of CO2 emissions from fossil fuel output with that of CO2 emissions from intensive farming methods is like blaming coastal erosion equally on both the sea and on children who take pebbles home from a beach holiday.  Yes, the children have an effect but they're hardly the primary cause... although doubtless the environmentalists will argue that everything is connected.

Naturally both commentators on Today - who both seemed to be on the same side ...what happened to "impartiality"? - seemed to think that meat was somehow uneconomic and that we should all eat less of it.  It is true the higher up the food chain you go the more energy is lost along the way but you have to eat of cereal to get the same energy as you'd find in a stake...

Well, maybe there are alternatives but I tried and quorn is a bit boring after a while.  As for giving up cheese - Yes, I know it shortens my lifespan but booze will have to go first...

Still what amazes me more than these environmentalists theories of how everybody should eat ... is their sheer confidence that everybody else will adopt their policies meekly.  It doesn't seem to occur to them either that part of human evolutionary progress could be down to the fact that our nature allows us to be both herbivore and omnivore...  I'm probably a bigot to say it but animal herbivores with the possible exception of horses don't seem to be very bright.  Okay that's probably a eugenic argument for meat eating but ...

...being told that it's all down to cows and we must stop eating meat because it creates CO2 is a bit depressing... particularly when you suspect that the interlocutor's primary objection is not damage to the enviroment as much as the morality of killing anything with a central nervous system.  Anyway apparently to save the planet we must now all change our diets...  And no one is immune to these new political machinations to control everybody's diets ...including the cows themselves who must now - according to wikipedia - only be fed the right kind of food that will prevent them producing the wrong type of farts...

"There are some controllable ways to reduce the amount of methane released into the atmosphere. Improving the digestion of bovine will decrease the bovine's tendency to belch and release digestive gases through the anus, which emit methane into the atmosphere. One way is to grind the cattle feed to make it finer which leads the cow to take less time and energy to digest it, and as a result, less methane is produced in the process. Scientists have introduced garlic into cattle's diets; garlic inhibits the microorganisms in the intestines from producing methane"

...it can only be a matter of time before human farts are subject to a similar level of micromanagement.  Soon people who do a silent but violent one will be lectured severly not about the antisocial aspects of not popping to the bathroom but about how they are damaging the environment.  And about time too...

Thursday, 25 April 2019

Lenovo and the reintroduction of switches and buttons


After my disastrous brushes with HP and Toshiba I finally bought a Lenovo laptop V330.  One problem … although the motherboard seems not to be totally messed up on this one and the component parts seem to have actually been assembled correctly … the camera appeared not to work.

After Ava Alexis had read the published manuals for several hours to very little avail as they appeared to be inaccurate or an information black hole we attempted to do a diagnostic on it and found that every time we switched the camera on through the software it switched its self off again.  So something else was conflicting and over-riding the software … after quite a bit of googleing eventually I read somewhere of a physical button on the exterior of the casing.  I couldn’t find it…

And then I looked at the camera its self … and … it is the physical switch – when you slide it left the camera’s off and when you slide it right the cameras on.  Such a shame no one thought to put this information in the manual… but then as we know computers these days are made by throwing all the items in a box as fast as possible and presumably the manuals are constructed in the same casual manner.

After this I ruminated on the mystery of buttons … and the days when it was all button and switches.  There should be more buttons.  Ideally that go click.  Our first colour television in the 1980s was the one of the first appliances to eschew buttons… having instead some kind of panel on the front that claimed to be powered by body heat but I suspected was actually activated by sweat.  Since then it’s all been downhill.  As though machines are designed to avoid even the idea that we should ever have to do as much work as pressing a button ever … when surely telling Alexa to switch your lights on and off is actually more work than pressing a switch ever could be.  And smartphone touchscreens encrusted with dead skin cells and smeared with sweat are actually pretty gross...

Of course switches wear out which is one reason manufacturers eschew them.  My dad had a music centre which after several years would crackle like the electric chair for 10 minutes after being switched on … but they were still fun.

Anyway if you too can’t cope with the fact no one bothered to put in the manual that the Lenovo V330 camera is also a button then hopefully this post will help you in keeping your hair in…


Friday, 19 April 2019

Aviva's Fraud Investigators - making policemen everywhere seem polite...



Last Friday afternoon at work I was rung by a gentleman who I never spoke to because I was working.  He then sent me an email informing me that he was a Fraud Investigator for Aviva and asking me to “give him a call” about my motor insurance.  I rang the number back only to be put on hold.  So I gave up and sent a grumpy email to which I received a perfunctory reply explaining that they wanted to check my claims history.  Later that afternoon I started to worry that I had not filled in my insurance application form correctly.  Had I missed an accident out?   

So when I got home from work I logged into Aviva’s website to check my policy documents and what I had told Aviva.  I was locked out with only a message on the site to contact Aviva… So I spent a huge amount of time trawling through my emails to try to prove to myself that my claims history was right.  It was.  But of course without access to my policy I couldn’t check what I’d told Aviva to reassure myself.  So I emailed the Fraud office again…

Unlike Barton Keyes – the fearsome fraud investigator in Double Indemnity - Aviva’s fraud investigators do not seem to burn the midnight oil or work through lunch hours or at weekends so it was only after a whole weekend of worry that my policy would be cancelled and I would be put on some kind of insurance blacklist that I received another perfunctory reply from Aviva thanking me for the information, saying that I was no longer under investigation and stating that my policy would continue as normal and that I could now download my documents.

It occurred to me later in the week that this is a funny way to conduct a business.  Why if you want to double check someone’s claim history would you loudly announce yourself to them in voicemails and emails as a “Fraud Investigator” or from the “Fraud Department” instead of just saying that you are some kind of underwriter and you are policy checking?  Adding the word “Fraud” into correspondence and conversations is quite accusatory – to the point of bullying.  Furthermore why not just tell me what it is I’ve told them and ask me to confirm it is correct?  The whole thing felt like a bit of a fishing expedition as if they were cross questioning me to see if they could get me to incriminate myself.  Had they simply sold the policy too cheaply?  One even wonders if this is a rouse to put the price up and start renegotiating the policy after sale.  Not that I’m saying that’s what happened by one has to wonder…

Wednesday, 10 April 2019

The Cat, the Sword and the Bin Men ...



One of my hobbies is googling Danny John-Jules …for whenever the press find out something about him – such as that he had an argument with a co-star on Strictly Come Dancing – they take great glee in reminding us he was given 120 hours’ community service and ordered to pay £350 costs after attacking two men for not emptying his recycling bin. 

This is true … but it is not the whole truth ... for it is also true that this conviction was turned over at appeal at Harrow Crown Court on March 5th 2009 for complicated reasons like the whole case was complete balderdash.  When Mr John-Jules said within earshot of the Daily Star that there might be some racist motivation to these events this was reported along the lines of “unlike his laidback character, John- Jules lost his cool and unleashed a bitter tirade about prejudice in the UK…”

Why would he think that the UK is a racist country …? perhaps because fast forwards 9 years to 2018 and the Sun publishes an article “Strictly star Danny John-Jules menaced two bin men with a samurai sword before punching and kicking them to the ground because they wouldn't empty his recycling”.  

Well, all I can say is that it’s good for them that the cat is too cool to sue.  Honestly why would anyone think England racist …?  Interesting that they use quotations from the court case – perhaps because they think that these quotes are protected under the defence of qualified privilege because they were made in court….  Then again perhaps I just over-estimate the intelligence of Sun hacks and the fact is that this is just lazy journalism at its finest and that they simply indulge in because they can get away with it…  

Jeremy Vine used to tell a story about a cat that was left a fortune and a house by its owner.  People from the press regularly visited the house to interview the neighbours and this continued for years and years and decades untill one day the neighbours wrote to him to ask how long it would take for the story to die.  He said never ... for the story had all the elements that touch people's imagination and as such it was a magnet to every lazy hack worldwide...  I guess it is the same with the story of the cat, the sword and the bin men... so I shall now return to my usual position of ignoring anything that might possibly require me to do something or be involved by saying...

That's all folks!

Monday, 8 April 2019

Jill Dando, Madeleine McCann and Jack the Ripper - my journey through cold case TV



This week I have mainly been watching TV shows about failed police investigations.  


First I watched a BBC documentary about Jill Dando.  Being the BBC it spent the first ten minutes telling us how lovely Jill was and how fondly people remembered her because a lot of the general public have forgotten.  Nick Ross told us she always took her high heels off when they were in the same frame so as not to look taller than him.  Eventually the policeman who put away Barry George stood amongst his decision logs trying to explain how they’d got Barry to trial on the basis of one tiny particle of gunshot residue.  The trial lasted 50 days largely due to the paucity of the evidence and the verdict was overturned on appeal.  Of course Barry George could have killed Jill Dando but it’s amazing the thing ever got to trial when they couldn’t do even basic things like place him at the scene.  While they had a photo of George with gun or a replica gun posing as an SAS man in the privacy of his own flat it frankly didn’t seem plausible that a man with Mr George’s limited intelligence should be able to customise the bullet that killed her in broad daylight to reduce the sound as it was ejected from the gun.  The bottom line is however much money was poured into the investigation no one saw the perpetrator, there was no concrete evidence and no one could be placed at the scene so there was never going to be a satisfactory outcome to the case ... but since money is allocated for political reasons a huge amount of money was spent to achieve little except an embarrassing miscarriage of justice…


Next I watched Netflix’s new documentary series on the Madeleine McCann case.  Oh dear… here we are again in the world of endless speculation, too little evidence and too much money.  You can't solve any case with a complete lack of evidence and lots of money but that didn't stop the McCanns having a good go....  aided and frustrated in equal terms by the press creating a circus that probably was more of a hindrance to the investigation than a help. 

The fact is no one saw who abducted Madeleine so no solid conclusions could be made.  With no forensic evidence left at the scene the Portuguese PoPo quickly fell back on the simplest conclusion that the McCanns had done it themselves – that they were trying to cover up an accident.  As with the case of Ms Dando the crime scene had also been contaminated soon after the discovery of the crime making it even harder.  Precious time was lost not doing house to house searches.  The McCanns hired their own PR person and soon the press turned against the Portuguese PoPo which made them ever more suspicious of the McCanns.  Psychological profiling was used to point the finger first at Robert Murat (who lived over the road and did some free translations for the McCanns) and then at a web developer who did some work for him who Murat called on the night (although he can’t remember why).  None of this amounts of a hill of beans but never-the-less both men had their properties raided and reputations trashed by the media to no avail as they were named "augidos". 

Eventually – suspicious of the discrepancies in the stories of the Tapas 7 - the PoPo pulled in the McCanns who did themselves no favours by refusing to answer their questions.  According to the Portuguese PoPo Mrs McCann called them a rude word but who knows?  The Portuguese PoPo were convinced the McCanns were guilty because of the evidence of two sniffer dogs from England – a cadaver dog and a blood dog – but as their handler pointed out … you can’t put a spaniel on the stand.  Scooby Doo Where Are You?  Unfortunately for the Portuguese PoPo they had jumped the gun by not waiting for the thing that every Jeremy Kyle viewer knows one must have - the All Important DNA results.  These showed only an 80 per cent match to Madeleine which meant that the DNA the dogs had found could have come from the parents themselves or Madeleine’s siblings.

Still lead investigator (much maligned by the British press as a lazy, fat bastard) Goncalo Amaral remained convinced it was the McCanns (much maligned by the Portuguese press as lazy Colonial child-neglecters-at-best-murderers-at-worst) wot done it and the whole thing reached the level of an international diplomatic incident when Gordon Brown started insisting Mr Amaral be sacked.  He was… but of course that problem didn’t go away because it created an intensely bitter angry ex-PoPo who decided he’d get his own back by writing a book about the McCanns’ “guilt”.  The McCanns sued and won and lost on appeal. 

Eventually the Portuguese PoPo archived the case and everybody stopped being an “aguido” and many libel damages were awarded...  Still, the McCanns through their fundraising now had huge sums of money to perpetually re-investigate the case.  Much of this money came from Everest Windows entrepreneur Brian Kennedy who dispensed his wisdom from within a giant red sofa to underline his conspicuous consumption and I was reminded of a salesman of Everest Windows who once told me replacing my windows would cost £20,000 but “he could give me a discount” … how I resented staying in to talk to that idiot.  Anyway, soon a private investigation firm was hired who scoured the deep web for peados and found many but not a trace of Madeleine … so the McCann trust sacked them only to replace them with a professional con-man.  At one point a police artist was interviewed who said that there should be more to a drawn photofit than the physical geometry of the person in question and that the portrait should reveal something about the person … but unfortunately the person who saw a man carrying a girl (who turned out to be someone else) couldn’t remember what his face had been like anyway… so the police artist lady had a pretty hard time exercising her artistic licence on nothing.  And people wonder why it's so hard for the PoPo to catch anybody with scientific methods like these...

And on and on went on the farce of trying to solve a case without any evidence. If only all this time and money had been spent on some slightly less hopeless cases…



And finally I watched a BBC documentary where a lady in black attempted to identify Jack the Ripper with the help of HOLMES … a much vaunted Home Office computer product which seemed little more than a relational database.  The program ended by telling us who the Ripper was a mere 131 years too late with the certainty that can only come from all the protagonists being long gone.

What all these cases have in common is a large amount of money being spent in the teeth of there not being enough evidence to build a case as if one will ever make up for the other… there’s a moral there but I don’t know what it can be…


The questions Mrs McCann reportedly refused to answer are:



1. On May 3, 2007, around 22:00, when you entered the apartment, what did you see? What did you do? Where did you look? What did you touch?


2. Did you search inside the master bedroom wardrobe?


3. (Shown two photographs of her bedroom wardrobe) Can you describe its contents?


4. Why was the curtain by the sofa near the side window tampered with? Did someone go behind the sofa?


5. How long did your search of the apartment take after you detected Madeleine’s disappearance?


6. Why did you say Madeleine had been abducted?


7. Assuming Madeleine was abducted, why did you leave the twins to go to the ‘Tapas’ and raise the alarm? The supposed abductor could still be in the apartment.


8. Why didn’t you ask the twins then what happened to their sister or why didn’t you ask them later on?


9. When you raised the alarm at the ‘Tapas’ what exactly did you say – what were your exact words?


10. What happened after you raised the alarm there?


11. Why did you go and warn your friends instead of shouting from the verandah?


12. Who contacted the authorities?


13. Who took place in the searches?


14. Did anyone outside the group learn of her disappearance in those following minutes?


15. Did any neighbour offer you help?


16. What does “we let her down” mean?


17. Did Jane Tanner tell you that night she’d seen a man with a child?


18. How were the authorities contacted and which police force was alerted?


19. During the searches, with the police there, where did you search for Maddie, how and in what way?


20. Why did the twins not wake up during that search or when they were taken upstairs?


21. Who did you phone after the occurrence?


22. Did you call Sky News?


23. Did you know the danger of calling the media, because it could influence the abductor?


24. Did you ask for a priest?


25. By what means did you divulge Madeleine’s features, by photographs or by any other means?


26. Is it true that during the searches you remained seated on Maddie’s bed without moving?


27. What was your behaviour that night?


28. Did you manage to sleep?


29. Before travelling to Portugal, did you make any comment about a foreboding or a bad feeling?


30. What was Madeleine’s behaviour like?


31. Did Maddie suffer from any illness or take any medication?


32. What was Madeleine’s relationship like with her brother and sister?


33. What was Madeleine’s relationship like with her brother and sister, friends and school mates?


34. As for your professional life, in how many and which hospitals have you worked?


35. What is your medical speciality?


36. Have you ever done shift work in any emergency services or other services?


37. Did you work every day?


38. At a certain point you stopped working. Why?


39. Are the twins difficult to get to sleep? Are they restless and does that cause you uneasiness?


40. Is it true sometimes you despaired at your children’s behaviour and it left you feeling very uneasy?


41. Is it true that in England you even considered handing over Madeleine’s custody to a relative?


42. In England, did you medicate your children? What type of medication?


43. In the case files, you were shown canine forensic testing films. After watching them, did you say you couldn’t explain any more than you already had?


44. When the sniffer dog also marked human blood behind the sofa, did you say you couldn’t explain any more than you already had?


45. When the sniffer dog marked the scent of corpse coming from the vehicle you hired a month after the disappearance, did you say you couldn’t explain any more than you already had?


46. When human blood was marked in the boot of the vehicle, did you say you couldn’t explain any more than you already had?


47. When confronted with the results of Maddie’s DNA, carried out in a British lab, collected from behind the sofa and the boot of the vehicle, did you say you couldn’t explain any more than you already had?


48. Did you have any responsibility or intervention in your daughter’s disappearance?

Sunday, 31 March 2019

More Petrol Station Glamour and Shell's Drivers Club Closure

A while ago I wrote an article about petrol station glamour (which for reasons I don't understand is the most read page on this site) and included a swipe or two at Shell's loyalty card scheme under which I have now amassed only 442 points...


...over what must be at least 5 years despite driving nearly 6000 miles a year.  Clearly disturbed to learn that at any day I might reach the 500 points needed to qualify for a £2.50 fuel voucher Shell have immediately abandoned the scheme ... but tell me not to worry...


... because existing points will be converted to vouchers until August 2019.  This means I have to fill up 4 times - nearly a full tank each time to finally get myself over the the coveted 500 point threshold.  However, I calculate that given their fuel is up to 10 per cent more expensive than at grubbier looking fuel stations getting this prized voucher would acually cost me about £8.  Therefore the voucher is in fact a potential debt of £5.50 and ... I think I'll give that a miss thanks...

 
Interestingly I also learn from my Shell Drivers Club statement that every time the attendent scans my card after I purchase a piece of confectionary the process has been completely pointless as if it's not petrol one is awarded...



...nil points.


Thursday, 28 March 2019

He Said I know what it's like to be dead...


Angels are not all female...

I was watching a Panorama last night on Trans children and one interviewee said that they knew they were trans from when they were at school and the teacher told them they could not be an Angel in the the navity play because "Angels are Girls".  This is offensive on so many levels ...but particularly to Angels ... mainly because as far as I know most of the named Angels in the Bible are boys.  So for culturally ignorant teachers everywhere here is your quick guide to Judeo-Christian Angels for when putting on Nativity plays.

Your Angel characters are...

1 Gabriel


Gabriel is a boy - Well, I think he's a boy anyway although he looks a bit androgynous in this depiction by by Jan van Eyck from 1434.  He also appears to have wings made from the LGBTQAlphabet flag...  Gabriel appears to Zacharias's wife Elizabeth and tells her that despite the fact she's getting on a bit she is pregnant with John the Baptist ... later he appears to Mary and tells her that God has made her pregnant with Jesus.  Later when these stories got a bit old Islam gave Gabriel a reboot and changed his back story considerably...

2 Michael


St Michael the Archangel is the one who had a war in heaven and sent Satan to Hell.  Later St Michael branched out with his own underwear label which was licenced under exclusive contract to Marks and Spenser.  St Micheal was chosen as the brand name for MandS underpants because he is a  the only Saint in the Old Testament - largely because as an Angel he manages to exist outside of time.  There's a lot of business with Michael, Abraham, Lot and Soddom which I don't have time to go into but suffice to say Michael is sort of Abraham's Jeeves.

3 Raphael


Raphael has a bust up with a Devil - perhaps the Devil - in the book of Enoch.  "Bind Azazel ...


...hand and foot, and cast him into the darkness: and make an opening in the desert, which is in Dudael, and cast him therein. And place upon him rough and jagged rocks, and cover him with darkness, and let him abide there for ever, and cover his face that he may not see light. And on the day of the great judgment he shall be cast into the fire."  



He also appears in the book of Tobit.  Tobit is a Jew who is deported to Naphtali where he spends a lot of time in exile for reasons which are too tedious to relate.  Tobit and Raphael have lots of adventures together in which Raphael feeling a bit conspicuous about his wings assumes the false identity of Azariah with hilarious consequences.  Tobit recieves lots of good advice from Raphael about his lady friends and how to use a fish's liver and heart to drive away demons ...

4 Uriel


Uriel is very much the Pete Best of Angels.  His main claim to fame being that he was the one who told Noah about the flood.  Uriel does a lot of watching.  Uriel has a lot to do with sorting out the messy business of Angels who have fallen and decided to take human mates creating Angel-Human hybrids called Nephilim...


 ...which is kind of how we know Angels have sexuals...

Chapter 20 of the Book of Enoch also mentions Raguel (the Angel of Justice) and Saraqâêl/Sariel but since not much known about either of them we'll skip them and end with everyone's favourite...

5 Satan


He's the one who has all the best tunes...

Wednesday, 13 March 2019

Forgive me pedestrians for I have sinned...



Gentle Reader , I must admit I have been a bad boy. 

I jumped the red lights at Tulse Hill.  Or at least that is what a letter I received from the PoPo said.  They didn’t send me any photos or evidence but invited me on an AA Drivetech Course.  This took place in a large hotel in Bromley. 

Being nosey I had a good look round the hotel while the respectable citizens sat waiting where the receptionists told them to.  Eventually I found the room by following the signs rather than talking to people and a woman we shall call Ms B invited me in and told me that the hotel had originally all been a large mansion.  “It must have been wonderful in its day,” she said.  I cast my eye round the room and mentally noted who’d been smart enough to find the room from the signs and not from talking to anyone.  Eventually the rest of the sinners were hearded in.

Ms B and her co-compere who we shall call Mr R told us that we should all switch off our mobile phones (not put them on silent) in the name of “Privacy”… justice these days is executed not just without showing one all the evidence but also in secret.  I have read that the purpose of these courses is “education not punishment” but coming from the era of corporal punishment in schools and having spent much of my school career in a never-ending series of detentions I was never able to quite separate out education from punishment.  Sure enough Ms B and Mr R made much of the course lasting 4 hours, regularly underlined how long 4 hours was and made us all feel as if we were in detention once again.

People could, said Ms B, be on the course for any number of road traffic violations which I cannot now remember but when asked most people turned out to be there for traffic light offences.  When Ms B asked why I was there I said I didn’t know exactly because although the PoPo would tell me the set of lights I must have passed them more than once that day and couldn’t exactly remember where I was now.  She said there was one camera at those lights – the one on the yellow poll pointing south but that didn’t make much sense to me as I recon I was going north.  “Did you ask the police for evidence?” she said.  “No,” I replied, “I was worried they might remove their offer to settle.”

At this point a small Greek Chorus from the audience chimed in that they too had all been caught at exactly the same set of lights and started on about how this seemed statistically odd.  “So has my son,” Ms B said in an attempt to win her audience back.  But “It’s a trap,” said one woman – a thought she continued to punctuate the afternoon with at random intervals.  And gradually, just like when I was at school, I started to make mental notes on who the naughty kids in the class were.  After all, in detention you’ve got to make your own entertainment. 

Recording was banned, of course, but fortunately they did give us a logbook to fill out which they were “not going to mark” so I decided to look industrious by filling it up with short character descriptions of the participants and from those notes I have written this piece … bless the police they think of everything. 

We were supposed, of course, to actively participate so we discussed things in tables and in pairs that we were put into by the course tutors.  I was paired with a young black man who we will call Mr K and to be fair to us myself and Mr K got 100 per cent on all the questions – although this may have been something to do with me realising that the answers to most of the questions were in the copy of the highway code we’d been given.  We both felt very intelligent for deducing this.

As time progressed Ms B’s narrative that speed cameras and traffic light cameras were only there as a last resort started to become unpopular with a certain element of the audience.  Ms B and Mr R’s nemesis was a man called Roger.  Roger insisted that there were cameras everywhere these days watching us.  “There’s probably even one in here,” he said.  And indeed there may well have been.

At the comfort break (about 1 hour 55 minutes in) during which we were allowed to buy a coffee (there was a proper bar in the hotel but no one seemed to want to buy a pint for some reason) Roger remarked that the course was “quite informative” to two young women “but they could easily lop off an hour and get their point over better –it’s too long, isn’t it?”  I couldn’t decide if Roger was being ironic or he just didn’t get that boredom was the punishment.  The ladies sagely agreed.  “I’ve been on three of these now,” said Roger.  “I’m a repeat offender.”  How wonderful it was to have this Fletcher of the roads to show us all the ropes.  The ladies gave Roger a look as if to say…

…no, I don't want your number
No, I don't want to give you mine and
No, I don't want to meet you nowhere
No, I don't want none of your time and…

After the intermission Roger’s heckling became more vociferous and Ms B and Mr R fell back on that time old chestnut used by all teachers since the dawn of time – threatening that they’d have to keep us there longer if we (or any individual) made progress through the syllabus slower.  The threat of detention on top of detention split the room between those who believed this threat and those who took no notice.  A small corner of mothers pretended at disinterest but occasionally broke out in glares at Roger…

Tempers flared again when the thorny issue of traffic light phasing came up and people asked why some traffic lights changed very quickly and others very slowly.  The anticipated answer that we should anticipate the lights changing was given but it was not universally popular.  Ms B told us sternly that there were no excuses for running a red light and my inner Horace Rumple said “rubbish there are loads of mitigating arguments” but for some reason I didn’t verbalise this. 

Not to worry Roger was there to verbalise these thoughts for me.  “Class clown,” muttered a bearded disabled man at the back but I couldn’t help laughing at Roger’s antics precisely because Ms B and Mr R seemed such wonderful straight men/women for him to play against.  And really who can blame Roger for being the class clown?  I dare say after I’ve published this a load of open mic acts will be running red lights all over London just because it will guarantee them a full room of people to try material out on without the inconvenience of having to bring a mate to a bringer or become their own promoter…

Eventually we got onto the consequences of bad driving such as injury and having to testify in court.  A lady said she’d been to Court as a witness to a road traffic accident and been made to look a complete idiot by a Barrister who “twisted everything”.  This caused a retired Barrister to pipe up that she shouldn’t be intimidated because it was for the Judge to decide on the facts of the case.  Which was odd because my inner Horace Rumpole said that actually it should be up to the jury – but then again if everything went to jury trial what would happen to Ms B and Mr R?  Actually I expect most such cases are just heard in the Magistrate’s Court. 

This reminded me of a story about how I was once a witness to a hit and rush crash and got myself into a state of paranoia about potentially being asked by the PoPo to give a witness statement against a professional criminal.  So I told it …rather well I thought and with a self-depreciating punchline that got a nice laugh.  There’s something in it … just needs tightening.  Well, why should Roger get all the stage time?  Although 4 hours is a bit long to test 1 gag.  Then again it wasn’t as boring as some of the open mic “stayer” nights I’ve sat through…

Eventually the 4 hours moved inevitably to a close and despite not having got all of the syllabus over just most of it Ms B and Mr R decided to end on time.  And just like school everybody scrammed out of there as fast as their legs could carry them…I doubt I will see any of them ever again.  Although part of me worries that Roger and I may meet again some day…

Still, a thoroughly entertaining 4 hours.  For me at least… of course, I could tell you all about road traffic things, psychological biases and road death stats and how the junction at Tulse Hill has an unusal number of fatalities/accidents but I don’t see why I should give that kind of information away for free.  If you want to find out that badly …

…run a red light.

Yeah ...wish you'd got a blog too now ..., eh?

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