The Gospel according to Pete Buttigeig

Visiting my parents on New Year’s Day I took the opportunity to peruse the Daily Mail as often I do on these occasions.  There were a lot of angry letters on the letters page about Jesus not having been a refugee.  Like the best newspaper letters these veered off into rants that ticked a number of ideological boxes while never referencing the original context that had spawned them.   

Those feet did not in ancient time walk upon England's mountains green one correspondent informed us.  Adding that the holy Lamb of God was not on England's pleasant pastures seen to be receiving benefits.  For Jesus did not come here and if he had come he would not have come simply to use the National Health Service but to “save our souls”.  

Of course he would not have come to use the NHS as being both human and divine he would not have had the need of healthcare free-at-the-point-of-need because he could heal himself.  Most of these sentiments were not expressed as poetically as William Blake might have expressed them but they made up for their lack of metaphysical musing with a great deal of clarity of thought.

Inevitably I began to wonder from whence this outpouring of interest in scripture sprung and it appears to be from an American presidential candidate with the suggestive name of Pete Buttigeig who pondered on twitter on Christmas Day (for when there’s no real international news reprinting a twitter thread is a substitute of sorts) “Today I join the millions around the world in celebrating the arrival of divinity on earth, who came into this world not in riches but in poverty, not as a citizen but as a refugee.”

Invariably Mr Buttigeig’s correspondents heaped derision on him for not being correct – stating that Jesus had only gone to Bethlehem so that Joseph could pay his taxes.  There were other diatribes stating that even though the holy family stayed in a stable this was not because they were not middle class but because of a temporary housing shortage that resulted in the local authorities not being able to offer him Bed and Breakfast accommodation as there was no room at the Premier Inn.

This is possibly true but it is also true that Jesus was a refugee because as soon as he was born an angel appeared to Joseph telling them to scarper sharpish as King Herod was about to massacre all “the innocents” in an attempt to eliminate any other Kings who might be hanging about … so they fled into Egypt.  So on this point at least Mr Buttigeig is technically half right.  Jesus was a refugee when they fled into Egypt …although he was a citizen …but not of Egypt.  Not that the truth really mattered to any of the participants in the Biblical media bun fight that ensued … but I thought I should point that actually Mr Buttigeig was sort of right (probably more by accident than design) in case anyone had a passing interest in it.

And did the Countenance Divine,

Shine forth among internet shills?

And was Jerusalem tweeted here,

Among discussion treadmills?

As DPP Starmer made such a mark...

As DPP Starmer made such a mark
That they gave him all the Yewtree bark.
Keir prosecuted Harris but not Gambaccini
who he failed to prosecute but did not let free
(he failed to prosecute but did not let free)
His failure to prosecute Gambaccini,
Means he now will be Leader of the Labour Party!
(His failure to prosecute Gambaccini,
Means he now will be Leader of the Labour Party!)

The DPP grew famous so was sent
By Bloomsbury Labour into Parliament.
He always voted at the EU's call,
And he never thought that we would not remain at all.
(he never thought that we would not remain at all)
He remained remain so they rewarded he
By making him the Leader of the Labour Party!
(He remained remain so they rewarded he
By making him the Leader of the Labour Party!)

Pope Benedict XVI cannonises the 4 Brexit Martyrs of England and Wales

Today in his Christmas message Pope Benedict XVI cannonised the 4 Brexit Martyrs of England and Wales. (There were no Brexit Martyrs in Scotland because the Tories don't win seats there).

I know some of you think that due process may not have been followed here but in the case of a martyr, a miracle is not required.

For a martyr, the Pope has only to make a declaration of martyrdom, which is a certification that the MP gave his career voluntarily as a witness of the Benn Act or in an act of pro-Europeanism for others. 

All four Brexit martyrs had been publically disemboweled at the ballot box.

Saint David Gauke

2017 Conservative Majority 19,550
leaves a flat in central London on which he claimed expenses
despite only living an hour away...

Conservative     Gagan Mohindra     30,327     49.6     -8.4
Independent     David Gauke     15,919     26.0     N/A







Saint Dominic Grieve

2017 Conservative Majority 24,543
never did resolve the "endemic" issues of voter fraud...

Conservative     Joy Morrissey     32,477     56.1     -9.1
Independent     Dominic Grieve     16,765     29.0     N/A









Saint Samuel Gyimah

2017 Conservative Majority 23,914
- Turncoat who switched to the Liberal Democrats in Kensington
where he increased the Liberal Democrat vote by 9.1 per cent
but failed to do a Winston Churchill

Labour     Emma Dent Coad     16,618    
Liberal Democrats     Sam Gyimah     9,312    





Saint Antoinette Sandbach

2017 Conservative Majority 11,942
- Turncoat who switched to the Liberal Democrats
and stood for re-election in her old seat increasing the Liberal Democrat vote 12.6 per cent
and was viciously slaughtered at the polls

Conservative     Edward Timpson     30,095     56.8    
Labour     Terry Savage     11,652        
Liberal Democrats     Antoinette Sandbach     9,582    
   



And let us not forget those that retired rather than be martyred:

Kenneth Clarke 8,010
Philip Hammond 18,050
Sir Oliver Letwin 19,091
Justine Greening 1,554
Rory Stewart 15,910
Sir Nicholas Soames: 19,673
Alistair Burt 20,862
Guto Bebb 635
Richard Benyon 24,380
Richard Harrington 2,092
Margot James 7,654
Anne Milton 17,040
Edward Vaizey: 17,380

And finally let us give up a special prayer for the falsely repentant
who have had the Whip Restored
in return for the everlasting damnation of their immortal souls...

Greg Clark 16,465 -> majority reduced to 14,645
Stephen Hammond 5,622 -> majority reduced to 628
Steve Brine 9,999 -> majority reduced to 985
Caroline Nokes 18,006 -> majority reduced to 10,872

Big Ben

Big Ben is to chime an extra time on Brexit day.  Just thought I'd mention it before anyone sends to know for whom the bell tolls...

A Thank You to the Readers....

One of the oddities of having a blog like this is that one never knows who the readers are.  The analytics assure me though that there are readers so one supposes they do exist.  Much of this website's traffic appears to be directed from pornographic websites and there's also been a large number of hits from the population of the Ukraine in recent days.  I wonder why.  Is it something to do with Donald Trump?  Who knows?  But I thought perhaps I should take time out to thank everyone for taking time out from watching porn or participating in making porn to read this website.  It just goes to show there's an audience out there for everyone....

In other news the Independent Group for Change has closed down as all the candidates lost their deposits.  Pathetic.  Doctor David Owen never let a little thing like not having any seats lead to the end of the SDP.  There's a reason you're going nowhere...

He was the best of swings …he was the worst of swings…

So how bad was Jeremy Corbyn’s defeat…?  We are told it was the worst performance for Labour since 1935 …but was it…?  

Labour lost 60 seats in the election dropping from 262 to 202 – a 7.4 swing against the party.  This means that Labour now have less seats than after Michael Foot’s disastrous 1983 election failure.  

However although in 1983 Foot won 209 seats the swing against the party under Foot was an even more massive 9.3 per cent.  Foot got ~ 8.5 million votes whereas Corbyn got ~ 10.2 million.  So is it fair to compare?

After some thought I’ve decided that it doesn’t seem sensible to evaluate the result in terms of votes as voter turnout was much lower in the 80s.  No one turned out to vote for Foot as it was seen as almost a foregone conclusion that Mrs Thatcher would win.  What really matters is swing.  So let’s look at the swings…

Historically there have not been very many big Labour majorities …or indeed very many Labour majorities.   

In 1935 Clement Attlee achieved a massive swing to Labour of 7.4 per cent almost tripling the number of Labour seats from 52 to 154.  

He then achieved another landslide with a 9.7 per cent swing in 1945 which almost doubled Labour’s seats from 154 to 393 – in terms of swing this performance has never been bettered (Corbyn came closest with a 9.6 per cent swing).  One possible explanation for it was that due to world war two there had been no general election for 10 years and possibly people were a bit miffed about this and cheered up by the end of the war so the 1945 election turned into something special...

After that it was all downhill.  Attlee suffered only a 1.5 per cent swing against him in 1950 but because the votes were all in the wrong places his majority was slashed by 78 seats leaving him with 315 – a majority of only 5.  

Following another election in 1951 Attlee again managed a small swing towards him of 2.7 per cent but again the votes were in the wrong places so his seat number was reduced to 295.  

Churchill wisely targeted the Liberal vote and this resulted in a 4.6 per cent swing to the Tories which propelled him back into power for most of the rest of the 50s.  In 1955 Attlee had another negative swing of 2.4 per cent and the Labour party was reduced to 277 seats. 

Hugh Gaitskell lead Labour to another defeat in 1955 with another 2.6 per cent swing against the party which reduced their seats further to 258.

But in 1964 Harold Wilson managed a 0.2 per cent swing to the Labour Party and there was a 6 per cent swing against the Tories with the Liberals hoovering up most of these votes but not translating them into seats.  

This propelled Wilson into power with 258 seats - a majority of 4.  Wilson cemented his majority with a further election in 1966 which gave him a 3.9 per cent swing which increased his seats to 364 – giving him a majority of 98.

In 1970 following a few Labour economic cock ups Ted Heath managed to get a 4.5 per cent swing which reduced Labour back down to 288 seats.  Giving the Ted a majority of 31.  In the 3-day-week “who governs Britain” election of Febuary 1974 both Wilson and Heath managed to get large negative swings against them (5.9 per cent and 8.5 per cent respectively) as Jeremy Thorpe hoovered up the discontent to almost double the number liberal MPs from 6 to 11.  

With nobody actually winning Wilson called another election and this time round managed to get a 2 per cent swing which propelled Labour back into power with 301 seats (a majority of 3).  By 1979 this majority had gone and Wilson’s successor Callaghan had fallen out with the Liberals so a general election was forced by Mrs Thatcher tabling a vote of no confidence.

In 1979 Labour fell from 319 seats to 261 following a 2.3 swing away from Labour. 

In 1983 Michael Foot – who like Mr Corbyn compiled his manifesto by consulting with the membership rather than the voters – achieved his record 9.3 per cent negative swing against Labour which reduced the party to 209 seats.  

Although it seemed Mrs Thatcher would be there forever Neil Kinnock gradually eroded Mrs T’s majorities with a 3.2 per cent swing in 1987 that increased the party’s seats to 229 and a further swing of 3.6 per cent in 1992 that helped the party crawl up to 271.  

When then Tony Blair achieved his 1997 super swing of 8.8 per cent the party was already starting from a very high base that propelled it to a massive 418 seats.

From here it was all downhill again as Blair suffered a negative swing of 2.5 per cent in 2001 reducing the party to 413 seats and an Iraq War created negative swing of 5.5 per cent in 2005 which reduced the party to 403.  

 Following the financial crash Gordon Brown then achieved a futher negative swing of 6.2 per cent reducing the party to 258 seats and allowing the Liberal Democrats and David Cameron’s Conservatives to form a coalition.

The much maligned Ed Miliband actually achieved a 1.4 per cent positive swing to Labour but this didn’t translate into seats and the party’s seat share dropped further to 232. 

And following a disastrous campaign by Theresa May in her own snap election of 2017 Jeremy Corbyn actually achieved a 9.6 per cent swing to Labour.  However, much of this was the result of increased voter turnout which saw the Conservatives also pick up a swing of 5.5 per cent.  So Jeremy was still stuck on 262 seats.   

Mr Corbyn's negative 7.9 per cent swing this time round then brought Labour back down to 202 seats so… there you have it – the enigma that is Jeremy Corbyn…

 

He was the best of swings* …he was the worst of swings…

*within 0.1 per cent of the best anyway...

I guess this is why everyone is so eager to "upload to the cloud"...

Hi there and Thank you very much for getting in touch with us and we are delighted to have received your application!

The job consists of answering messages in English language sent to us by customers who are chatting on an online social community.  

Our operators reply to these messages using a web-based interface on their computer (you would be working from home). 

Because we need to chat about whatever the customer is interested in, it is highly likely that the conversations will be of an adult (flirty/erotic/explicit) nature with mostly male clients and we need agents with a very high standard of written English on par with native English language to converse with those customers – this is an absolute must that you are fluent in English and your written English must be of that high standard also. Perfect grammar, punctuation and capitalisation are all required.

You will not be hired if this criteria is not met.

You must have a laptop/desktop PC as our platforms do not function on mobile devices. A good strong high speed reliable internet connection is also required.

You must also have your own bank account or PayPal account to receive payments from us in Euros.

There are geographical areas we are not currently hiring from, if you are found to have been dishonest in your initial application as to where you are located, your application will be rejected.

You will be working as part of our UK Team – hence the importance for great English Language Skills. Payment is per message which is sent, 10 Euro cents per sent message.  Payment is made monthly, either by PayPal (be sure your account is set up to receive Euros) or by international bank transfer, whichever suits you better.

You are required to book shifts at least 12 shifts per week – each shift is one hour - we are busiest 00.00 to 10.00 UK times and we do ask that you book hours on the weekend too as we are very busy there. But we are very flexible too as we hope you can be.

We provide you with a training session with one of our UK Team Leaders who has worked on the chats since the inception, here you can get a proper example of the chats.

You would also be provided with a training manual in advance which comprehensively outlines anything you're remotely liable to encounter as well as a guide to effective messages. In reality though, I believe the job description and chat interface are fairly straightforward and simple. There is ongoing support all the way through your time with us too.

You would be hired by us, Cloudworkers Ltd on a freelance basis, meaning you are self-employed.

Cloudworkers Ltd has a contract with the chat owner, who runs the project for multiple languages and nationalities, and we provide the agents for his various projects. You will be working on all English speaking platforms.

How does this sound to you? Like something you are keen to be part of? If so, then please reply and I shall send out all the necessary paperwork for you to complete and return to me.

I hope to hear from you soon.  

CLOUDWORKERS COMPANY

Recruiting Office

Dear Cloudworkers Company,
Sorry there are only two things I won't do to pay the bills. Porn and night shifts. This job would appear to combine the two so I will leave it open for a more suitably qualified sex worker. Thank you for the opportunity.
Cheers
Anthony Miller

It's not easy being an armchair warrior...

People think it's easy being an armchair Internet warrior but the costs are high.  I received this email a year ago yesterday (name & address withheld) from one of my more right wing correspondents and felt I should share it withe the rest of you in the interests of health & safety:

It is 20 years this months since I last went to work. In that time I have put in several tens of thousands of hours campaiging to leave
the EU, against speed cameras.

I had vowed to give up on politics after the referendum, whatever the result but the uncertainties that remain meant I didn't do so.  Unfortunately the many thousands of hours I have spent sitting on this settee using a laptop have taken a toll, and not just then increasingly common one of a stiff neck.

It now seems highly likely that the severe pains I have suffered for the past month or more, in my left side and lower back, are due primarily to trapped wind arising from hours of inactivity in the same position. I therefore have no alternative but to cut down drastically and spend more time on my feet, moving about and perhaps
feeling less stressed will help too.

I mention these problems not to seek sympathy but warn others of the damage they too might be doing to their health by spending too much time in these ways.

Acordingly I must ask all of my contacts not to send me any emails about politics or news in general. I have unsubscribed from
Conservative Home and will therefore not be circulating its newsletter.

My work on speed camera analysis, now almost complete, will continue for a few months, so emails and news on that one subject will still be welcomed.

All the best to those who have fought the good fight

~~~~~

.... I was wondering why my spam box hadn't been filling with more dubious misunderstandings of Newtonian Physics recently when I googled Idris Francis to find he died earlier this year aged 79.  Seems his bowel problem wasn't just wind after all...

Peter Oborne bemoans..

"There will be no way back from Johnson’s Brexit. Whatever the possible economic damage inflicted by Corbyn and his chancellor John McDonnell, it will last for a maximum of five years before they can be kicked out by the electorate." 

What a depressingly accurate analysis that about nails the Hobson's choice on offer this election - economic ruin or economic ruin. 

Time to trudge over the road and put my cross next to Labour as I do every election no matter what lunatic policies, illegal wars, ppps or other nonsense its potential potentates are perusing this time...

https://amp.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/dec/11/boris-johnson-destroy-britain-conservative-revolutionary-sect?utm_term=Autofeed&CMP=twt_gu&utm_medium&utm_source=Twitter&__twitter_impression=true

Who says boarding schools are bad...?

In other news my ex-English teacher at secondary school has been in the dock again.  It seemed before he came to our school he spent a lot of time in Catholic boarding schools giving the boarders singing lessons and tucking children in at night with a bit too much enthusiasm.  He was put away for 10 years in 2015 for abusing 10 boys aged under 14 between 1978 and 1984.  In total 15 counts of indecent assault but since then more people have come out of the shadows to accuse him.  He pled guilty and got 2 more years this time - to add on to his 10.

I know it's a cliche but I did think it was a bit odd that he very often had a box of sweets.





One day Mr Lowe took us on a school trip to the Fairfield Halls.  On the way we stopped at his house … which I thought was unusual but sort of not that odd …maybe he wanted to pick something up... but how many teachers take part of the class round their house even if it is local to where they’re going?  He lived in a small terrace house in Croydon not far from the venue with his wife and five children.

I can’t remember how many of us there were but it was a nice summer evening and I remember thinking that the house was very small for seven people - let alone 7 people and half the class .  I also remember his daughter who was a toddler waving at us from an upstairs window.   We waved back.  She waved back.  We waved back.  She waved back.  And then she disappeared and shortly afterwards there was a comedy thudding sound and shortly after that Mr Lowe reappeared from the house to say simply “she fell off the trunk”.

Mr Lowe then drove us on to the Fairfield Halls where as I remember we watched a production of Stephen Sondheim’s musical of Sweeney Todd before it was made fashionable by Johnny Depp …or it could have been something else.  Long time ago.

But why on earth did we stop at his house and go into it at all?  The same reason he invited kids at his previous school to his wedding?  It's probably nothing but...

With hindsight one wonders what was really going on... Shortly after this he threw me out his class for doing no work whatsoever ... but I suspect probably I was just too old for him.

Only a Turncoat can win here?

Yes Chucka, but what will you be after the election?  Liberal Democrat?  Re-rat back to Labour or Re-join the Independent Group for Ignoring the grassroots?