So here lies Croydon Village Outlet 2013-2019

When I was a child Allders was one of my favourite shops.  You could go there and shop and have tea… as I got older I became a fan of Allders toilets.  Allders had many toilets and one could choose which floor to evacuate one’s bowels on.  I often used to get the escalators to the top floor to see all the TVs and VCRs I couldn’t afford to buy and have a poo.  It was a shop that one could get lost in.  Then it lost its way.  And then it went under.  And then it closed.   

And then there was Croydon Village Outlet.  Croydon Village Outlet moved in when Allders closed and attempted to run a shop in the same space with zero investment whatsoever.  All the original interior décor was set in aspic as it had been at the Allders closure but the shop became like an indoor market.  It boasted all the glamour of a car boot sale only with no items one would actually want to buy.  Well, I'm sure one could find something if one tried hard but it was so depressingly dingy it put one off bothering.  There were stacks DVDs that poundland couldn’t sell and strange concessions and make-up counters that sold ...well pretty much any random thing...but without a secuirty guard in sight one felt almost as though if one did buy legitimately one would be fitted up for theft somehow...

That's right there were seemingly no security guards and it was impossible to tell which till one should pay for anything on.  As to a customer service department - no one was in uniform so who would one approach?  It wasn't even obvious who the staff were ...or even if they existed at all?  Perhaps it was all an elabourate plan on behalf of the government to trick us into believing the high street wasn't on life support...

Parts of the old building no longer in use were crudely partitioned off.  The escalators were out of bounds and one was advised to use stairs.  I used to enjoy the shop for all the wrong reasons.  When you work in retail you wonder if floor plans are a waste of time.  Why there are so many inter-departmental meetings.  Why the people in commercial intelligence and interior design always want to change every display seemingly pointlessly.  Why we’re always changing from plan A to plan B to plan C … then back to plan A again. Croydon Village Outlet was like a parable in what happens if you just don’t do any of that.   

A world where literally nothing changes.  Where it’s neither pile-it-high-sell-it-cheap or sell-it-expensive-but-spend-a-lot-on-marketing.  Just a muddle.  Its inhabitants seemingly weren’t even bothered that the Council had CPOed the building for the Westfield/Hum…itscomingalong project that never seems to happen … and then the locks were changed and they were locked out forever…

So here lies

Croydon Village Outlet 2013-2019

Father Joshua Allder

Mother of necessity

May it rest in apathy