Guest post by Arthur Daley

Poor Nicola Sturgeon has suffered what appear to me to be a series of diabolical liberties because of her husband's unfortunately mismanaged business dealings.  But if we were honest with ourselves then we'd all admit there are always some things we've purchased that are a little bit hot.  Who fully checks the providence of every item in their possession?  It's therefore very easy for plod to feel someone's collar for possession.

Some purchases are hotter than others naturally but as I used to say to Raymond and Terry if you can't stand the heat stay out of entrepreneurship.  So here for anyone who might find themselves in a similar situation to Mrs Sturgeon is my guide to easily disposing of merchandise before the local plod turns over your drum.

First of all avoid hot motors.  Cars always come with a paper trail which can make them very easy to trace.  If you do find yourself in receipt of a hot motor (for example a Volkswagen) trade it in as soon as possible as part payment for something better like a Jaguar.  Whatever you do don't buy a motorhome.  They have very little resale value and are very hard to shift.  

Try and buy things that are a bit off the wall like an oak library ladder, a Royal Mint silver proof coin set and or an Airbus model helicopter.

Toilet seats, bread bins, washing-up bowls, soap baskets and salt and pepper shakers are always good bets being too pedestrian for most people to suspect them of being half inched.  Cheerful Charlie Chisholm is unlikely to suspect a toilet seat  if he's sitting on it.

A lot of people prefer to hide their hotter investments as Tom.  This is a very good idea.  Buy 'er indoors a nice pendant or necklace and you'll have a happy woman who doubles up as a walking safety deposit box.  Just make sure she doesn't wear her gifts round too many security cameras and try and keep her away from other people's minces.  The ideal wife or husband should be known about but never seen and like 'er indoors stay indoors.  Being First Minister isn't the best way to stay low profile.

Computerised telescopes and coffee machines are unlikely to generate much general suspicion and pens and watches are small expensive pieces of gear that can be easily saltered away or palmed off on Dave at the Winchester.  Finally DVDs and computer games are some of my favourite items for shifting easily.  

Follow these simple rules and you too can be a proud Scott campaigning for your independence without the inconvenience of having to eat too much porridge.