Monday, 26 November 2018

The beggars paid by business not to beg...



The other night I watched a program on the “Fake Homeless”.  We’ve all seen them – the ones who cover their face when you walk by.  Ellie Flynn the presenter was of course horrified that a man called Ashley Sims (of Devon) had taken to posting pictures of the fake homeless on the internet.  “How do you know they are fake?” she asked Mr Sims to which Mr Sims replied “The real homeless don’t beg”.  She then interviewed a real homeless man who explained that he did not want to live in hostels because they were unpleasant places – who says beggars can’t be choosers?  Honestly, these are the people who in the 19th century would have complained about the workhouses.  Those were the days – when there was work.  A lot of the people she interviewed were begging to fund drug addictions resulting in posters from local police forces along the lines of “Give to beggars and Putin will use the money to manufacture Novichok” etc.  Ms Flynn was most shocked by this.  The beggars included a woman who openly said she regarded it as a “job” and informed us that there were not many options for people like her – it was this or “going on the game”.   No point in, as Mr Tebbit used to say, “getting on your bike and looking for work” when you can get paid sitting on the floor.   

Ms Flynn seemed to want to believe that no one would choose to beg but it seemed to pass her by that the reality is it is better paid for many people than working for the NMW.  To be fair none of these people had actually told people they were "homeless" it was simply a conclusion that most people jumped to - you're begging so you must not have a home...?  I would never beg but you can purchase my novels etc...

Meanwhile Mr Sims had been suffering a backlash against his shame the fake homeless campaign and had set up a “2nd phase” to his plan – setting up his own hostel/BandB.  Ms Flynn interviewed some of the residents and seemed to get rather depressed that many of them seemed to be on drugs and that there might have been a few fights.  She took Mr Sims to task for this and for giving them money to buy their drugs with.  Mr Sims said that he was simply “looking after the interests of the business community” but the meaning of his words seemed to pass her by… She didn’t seem to comprehend that there was no real difference to Mr Sims giving them the cash for their addictions rather than the general public.  All Mr Sims had done was make the problem visibly disappear by inventing professional druggies.  That is ...people who are paid to sit in a house and be out their head rather than sit in the street and be out their head.  There being no real jobs for such people he had sort of invented them – paying people to stay out of sight.  Well, it’s a career…  Sadly the funders of this endeavour of creating reservations for the tribe of the methadone eventually decided they could not condone the endeavour forever... despite the fact it's almost a direct recreation of the systems many homeless charities use...

This being the well meaning BBC Ms Flynn told us that it was not that simple … although to the police it seemed far too simple.  Asked what happened if people continued to stay on the street after being repeatedly warned and moved on and refusing to move on one PoPo said simply “Prison”.  Well, it’s a home … of sorts.

Sunday, 25 November 2018

Unexpected Lady Justice concealed in the Self Serve Area


The other day   I hadn’t shoplifted anything.  I hadn’t stolen anything.  I hadn’t attempted to steal anything but after I had scanned everything the red light had come on and assistant came over.  I’m sure that I scanned everything but the assistant told me politely that I had “scanned that one and that one but not that one and that one”.  So I had heard 4 beeps but only 2 had registered.  
I was found guilty or at least accused by the self serve checkout.

I felt I had to explain that I had scanned everything but the machine had got it wrong but did not.  And yet even though I hadn’t paid yet, even though I hadn’t exited the store and even though there was no mens rea… I felt protesting my innocence would make me seem more guilty than not saying anything at all.  Silence is the best defence.  It is after all only a red light.  Yet now I have broken my silence with this blog ...for if it really came down to a decision between technology and me would I really be okay?  Would justice really prevail?  We will never discover as the assistant simply reset the machine and rescanned the missed items and said as little as possible neither a "sorry" or a "you're falsely accused".

Does the appearance of the assistant mean I have driven through a red light or does the red light merely mean stop?  And why did the machine not stop the process?  It did not exclaim that there was an “unexpected item in bagging area”.  It did not stop bleeping like a dubbing mixer trying to remove the swearing from an episode of "You're Been Framed".  Yet when I had finished the machine was inflamed and flagged me up for potential moral turpitude.  It had decided that on the balance of probabilities I might be either stealing or incredibly stupid.  

Clearly the CCTV if there was any would have cleared me.  But ain’t no one got time to watch that. 

Having worked in shops, of course, I know that I am but one customer and there are hundreds, probably thousands such incidents a week and by the end of their busy shift dealing with up to six customers at a time the assistant on duty would have lost the incident in their memory.  I also have my trusty cloak of white privilege to protect me from mean spirited accusation.  And yet over a week later I still feel uncomfortable about it all.   

Perhaps it is that these creepy contraptions strangely resemble a mixture of Lady Justice to me – scales on one side, the red light of punishment on the other and no eyes between.  Or perhaps it is that they represent the mechanisation of justice – like speed cameras of shopping.   

I notice now the ones in Sainsburys do have eyes... or at least have a camera on each customer and a mirror LCD screen too so that we the customers can watch the supermarket watching us...watching us... watching us...watching us… perhaps they are trying to steal a person's soul? …or show us our own soul?  What profit it a man if he legally pay for his groceries yet loseth his own soul to a machine?

Tuesday, 20 November 2018

Annuity? Nah just give me the money




Another day...  Another incomprehensible pension statement in the post...   

This one offers me a staggering £1 and 2p a day to add to my state pension when I finally buy an annuity - Or £372 a year.   

There is they claim (inflation adjusted for 2038) £15300 in the fund.  They expect me to retire at 65.  If I live to the average male lifespan of 80 years that will mean the annuity would pay out a total £5,580 – about 1/3 of money I have amassed in it.   

I think I see a pattern emerging.  All these plans when it comes to buying an annuity only offer you about a third of the total in the pot.  Clearly this is because of the enormous risk that I should live to be 106 at which point Fidelity would start losing money.  If I assure them that I drink heavily and smoke large Cuban cigars might they perhaps accept that this is unrealistic and let me have some of the £9720 they’re unlikely to pay out before I pop my clogs.  These pensions seem to me to be a licence for financial institutions to accrue cash they never have to part with.

Saturday, 17 November 2018

Congratulations to Cotton Traders for the most stupid freebie ever – a watch that does not work?



A man with one watch knows the time.  A man with two watches knows the one on the right isn’t right.  So congratulations then to Cotton Traders for the most stupid freebie ever – a watch that does not work. 

Now to be fair it is a lovely looking watch.  A large face.  Roman numerals.  A second dial in the centre which performs no discernable function whatsoever … but it rather falls down on the primary function of a timepiece …telling the time.  So worse that being useless it is actually a liability as it could make someone late for something.  Fortunately as it had come straight from Arthur Daley’s lock up in a broken box (I’m not saying it fell off the back of a lorry but I suspect it had a bumpy journey) I took the precaution of synchronising it with a timepiece that did work before I put it on.  Otherwise I might have been late for something important................ 

Unlike my grandmother I am not a collector of badly functioning timepieces so do not know what to do with it.  However, I feel in some way it is quite an achievement for anyone to manufacture a watch (presumably) regulated by a quartz crystal (well, it doesn't wind up?) that is ten times less accurate than a mechanical timepiece?  Could it be as simple as it has been in the back of a warehouse so long the battery has gone flat?  I could take it to Timpsons to find out but this would take time out of my day and it might be a speculative investment that does not pay off. 

I can’t return it for a refund because I never paid for it?

So what does one do with it?

I suppose I will have to give it as a present to someone I don’t like or have no respect for … which is presumably how it came into Cotton Trades possession in the first place… and then in to mine.   Or perhaps I could give it to a church jumble sale which is where my granny used to get most of her interesting but not-properly-functioning timepieces from.  I often wonder if, when her time came, they returned there…

Brexit negotiations latest...


Brexiteers: When we leave the EU we can negotiate our own trade deals

Ms May: Can we leave the EU but still remain in the customs union?

EU: Well, no, obviously you can't because your trade deals would compromise ours if you're going to then let in what goods and supplies you want regardless of our customs laws

Ms May: Can't you be a bit flexible on that?

EU: No, by defitinition for a customs union to work we have to negotiate trade deals collectively so we're all doing the same thing at customs?

Ms May: Can't you be a bit more flexible than that?

EU: We said you can keep all our people out and be racist what more do you want?

Ms May: Well, I think my backbenchers would like to be in the customs union but negotiate our own trade deals

EU: I thought we'd just explained that that that would make the custom union its self complete bollocks?

Ms May: Yes, you did but I don't see why you can't be a bit flexible.

EU: GO AWAY!

Ms May: I'm going to trade our right to negotiate our own trade deals for continuing membership of the customs union

Brexiteers: We're a vassal state!  We could have done it better!  Sack Ms May!

Labour: You know this could all be sorted out with a general election... we have magical powers that mean we could have got that Ms May hasn't

etc

Repeat until the UK crashes out the EU on WTO rules...

Not Only ... But Also... MI5

Yesterday I was unfriended by Tony Hadoke on Facebook.  I questioned his narrative in an article he was quoted in for the Guardian or somet...

Least ignored nonsense this month...