When your hoover thinks it is the Andrex Puppy...

 

Visit Balmoral Urinals

Balmoral Castle has been the Scottish home of the Royal Family since it was purchased for Queen Victoria by Prince Albert in 1852 due to them having more money than they knew what to do with because they don't pay inheritance or income tax.

Enjoy a relaxing visit to the grounds at Balmoral. After your tour you can visit the Mews Gift Shop, where you will give the Royals money for lots of tat, both Scottish and Royal. 

You can also purchase hot and cold refreshments in the Restaurant, where the menu celebrates a wonderful range of local and Scottish produce.

We recommend that you set aside at least one and a half hours for your visit to Balmoral, to give you time to visit the grounds, gardens, gift shop and the custom made urinals with their specially liveried plumbing.

 

My flexible friend is feeling a bit flat

 

I was saddened to discover today that my new credit card is completely flat and therefore no longer compatible with a manual card imprinter.  It had always been a source of comfort to me that should the electric fail the man or woman in the restaurant or petrol station could whip out their zip zap machine and save me from terminal embarrassment as all my cards electronically failing is a nightmare that I am never free from.  I also liked the idea of someone somewhere without electricity still relying on mechanical technology... And I always liked the sound they made ... Another link with the past dissolved.

Amazon Fire Stick is doing important security things so don't press any buttons that might turn your TV on...

 

Once upon a time I purchased an HG Smart TV but despite the artificial intelligence revolution and its claims be Mensa level clever it doesn't seem to have learned anything since I installed it.

BBC IPlayer for example never really worked properly on it since it could never remember when I'd paused a program resulting in it automatically starting the next program whilst I was still watching the one I was watching.

Netflix worked okay on it and Amazon grudgingly worked on it with some prompting on a manual keyboard.

However, last month it started whinging like Lawrence Fox on a podcast and BBC IPlayer, Netflix and Amazon started warning me that they would all be stopping work on October 1st like a bunch of 1970s Trade Union leaders organising a general strike / illegal secondary action.  Faced with this outbreak of digital industrial action I called upon HG to ask them what to do and they suggested that rather than throw my Smart TV for which they do not offer software updates anymore in the dustbin, I could invest in one of these Amazon Fire TV sticks.  I would then be able to watch everything I used to watch but with the added inconvenience of using two remote controls instead of one. 

The Fire Stick TV remote however is a very important and busy device and often tells me that it too is stopping work to install important security updates and that I must not press any buttons whilst it is doing this.  It tells me this all the time so it is clearly stuck in some kind of processing loop but I've found if one broadly ignores its entreaties it works anyway.  Come too that I notice that Amazon and Netflix still work fine on my old TV interface despite their strong protestation that they were definitely down-tooling 4 days ago... I wonder how long that'll last.  Even BBC IPlayer is still struggling on but struggling is the word...  When run on the TV stick it's obsessed with collecting security numbers from my mobile phone.

I wondered if the security updates bug was something just affecting me but it seems not... apparently the solution to this is to install more dodgy Amazon software on my mobile phone...

Bit of a recursive loop?

Does Rudi have some shame...?

For a laugh I regularly change my Facebook profile photo to someone inappropriate.  No one's ever complained about this despite it probably breaking millions of copyright laws.  On the 24th of August 2023 I changed it to Rudy Giuliani's mug shot which was released into the public domain by the Fulton County Sheriff's Office...

...14 months later in time for the November 2024 election I received a notification from a company called "Imagn Content" that I have violated their copyright by using it.  I have not.  If I have violated anyone's content it that of the Fulton County Sheriff's Office... but I'm pretty sure they don't care and I was under the impression that almost all official photos taken by the US Government became public domain when officially released to the public...

Perhaps after all Rudi, Donald and his mates really do feel some shame or embarrassment to see these photos circulating despite seemingly having skins as thick as rhinoceros hides.

Although it could be entirely coincidental that this copyright dispute coincides almost exactly with the US Presidential Election...  It isn't as if you'd see this image if you clicked on my profile - you'd have to scan down a year's worth of previous posts to find it ...so one wonders if a macro is seeking out such mug shots on an industrial scale and flagging them all as copyright violations in order to industrially suppress damaging information before the November Election...

If anyone's thinking of exploiting this situation my advice is...

Whatever anyone's views on the Israel/Gaza/Palestine/Lebanon/Iran situation I think we can all agree that ... Any Western political leader still saying "We must stop the region escalating into all out war" sounds like a clown still trying to drive a car whose wheels have fallen off whilst it's engine exploded.  40,000 dead in Gaza in the past year says the horse of peace has bolted, mate.  One remembers at the start Joe Biden saying "If anyone's thinking of exploiting this situation... Don't".  Absolutely no one took a blind bit of notice of him... I don't know what the solution is but they say stupidity is doing the same thing multiple times and expecting different results.  And simply telling everyone to play nice and not to escalate things seems the dumbest policy available.  Its really a way of politicians avoiding taking any side or position and of washing their hands... It sounds earnest but means nothing.  Still we've done our bit shooting down missiles aimed at Israel.  Will we be shooting down retaliatory missiles aimed at Iran as well?  I suspect not but we'll sure expect them to believe we haven't picked a side...

 

Friend Requests

Some interesting friend requests recently.  However, if you claim to be studying at Cambridge University and your mobile phone has a Nigerian dialing code that seems unlikely.  It seems particularly incongruous too when your profile pictures (which are all else that remains of your profile) depict you as both a young black man and a young white man.  That said it is quite an achievement for a young 20 year old of any ethnicity to be driving a sports car and working as a manager at a top UK share trading company since 1980 when he would have been minus 20.

I would remind you all that if you want to be my Facebook friend you are up against some pretty stiff competition including senior programming managers at Facebook who never talk about code and young ladies who cordially invite me to visit third party websites to show me photographs of themselves.

The world's smallest violin plays on...

This week I have mostly been enjoying the people on twitter arguing about how VAT on school fees is wrong or immoral.  The arguments advanced to defend the public school fee VAT exemption are hilarious.

Firstly, they argue that the Institute of Fiscal Studies report is wrong because it underestimates the number of children who will leave for the state sector.  By my back of the fag packet calculations about 40 per cent would have to leave for HMRC to lose money.  Then they argue that the cash raised will be minimal – but a profit is still a profit. 

However, according to these Tories all these people who spend all their hard earned money on improving their children’s education are somehow going to become complete misers if they have to take their children out of private education and will not spend the money on any other commodity – squirreling it all away in private pensions and high interest Cash Isas…

As the IFS observes: “The share of pupils across the UK in private schools has remained around 6–7% for at least the last 20 years (or about 560,000–570,000 pupils in England). This has occurred despite a 20% real-terms increase in average private school fees since 2010 and a 55% rise since 2003”

I’m sure we all remember the 2005 Fees Fixing Scandal (see here)

But, the wingers opine, what about the effect of people who are “only working to pay school fees” stopping working because they don’t need to.  One would suspect that those at the top of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs would have other motivations for working than just paying school fees or indeed just spending…

Another whopper that’s wheeled out is that not all private school parents are rich and that many are in fact working two or three jobs in order to pay the fees.  To send one child at the headline average price would cost £18000 (see here)

In order to pay this on the National Living Wage of 11.44 you would have to work 1573 hours a year or 30 hours a week and that would leave no money to live on.  Therefore you would have to work another 37 hours a week to make your normal living expenses.  A single working parent with one child at public school would have to work a 67 hour week… and for two children 97 hours a week.  Psychologists and Doctors recon that we psychologically and physically deteriorate if we regularly exceed 50 hours a week.  As one progresses to a 70 hour week the chances of strokes and heart disease become high.  If such individuals do exist it’s likely that taking their children out of public school would be good for their health… etc

The next argument advanced was all the children with SEND needs in public school.  I was thrown out of public school at 16 for being dyslexic and dragging all the exam results down but it seems these days public school is where all the SEND kids hang.  Apparently they cost the state lots of money these days as things have moved on from being told you’re “Remedial” and made to play with plasticine.  There’s some quite decent wonga state schools can claim for having SEND children but that doesn’t mean they ALL claim it ALL.  Many SEND people are just mildly affected like myself… There may be something in this argument but it’s still most likely HMRC will turn a profit.

Another odious argument is that parents of private school children shouldn’t have to pay VAT because “they’ve already paid twice”.  This is a lie.  I have no children at all – where’s my tax rebate for not using the service?  Actually payment for state school provision is spread throughout the entire taxpaying population using simple Income Tax collection mechanisms.  Therefore if you’re Boris Johnson with 9 or more children or Anthony with 0 you pay the same tax percentages banded by earning power…?  As the single person who has been in the 40 per cent tax band if anyone’s going to be put out by this it should be me…

Then there’s the question of VAT on school services.  Now I remember that when my mum was a teacher the private schools could buy equipment tax free.  But, the defenders of public schools told me, when public schools buy things it’s just like when I buy things after going into Sainsbury's.  But it isn’t – that’s a business to customer transaction.  VAT has to be charged.  If I was in charge of buying Eton’s food or pencils I’d be darn stupid to be buying them from Sainsbury’s or W H Smith … I’d buy them from a wholesaler and then it’d be a Business to Business transaction.  There are different rules depending on whether you’re supplying services to consumers B2C or business B2B and they are complex……now I’m not saying public schools are actively avoiding VAT at the moment but it isn’t clear what they do or don’t pay particularly given the different statuses of different institutions? … some being for profit businesses and others declaring themselves charities… knock yourself out…

According to VAT expert Steve Chamberlain (the kind of man who makes you realise why tax returns have to be so painfully complex) "Other “closely related” goods and services other than boarding (i.e. goods and services that are provided by a private school for the direct use of their pupils and that are necessary for delivering the education to their pupils) will remain exempt from VAT. The note gives examples of school meals, transport, and books and stationery."

Paying VAT is the least one could expect public schools could do given the charitable status many enjoy… These schools will of course pass all the increased expenses onto parents directly despite that fact that, for example, Eton has a reserve fund of £542million according to that loony left publication The Telegraph.  Clearly they’ve got the raising money part of being a charity right …just not so good on the giving it away part.  

Even the Whitgift Foundation has reserves running to £197 million… I believe

I could go on but you get the idea…

Sharpener...

Today I attempted to buy a pencil sharpener in the Whitgift Centre.  Sainsbury's closed ages ago.  Flying Tiger has lots of pencils but no sharpener.  So I tried Poundland but whilst they also had a lot of pencils I drew a blank there too.  I tried the Card Factory but no luck there either... I had almost given up when I remembered WH Smith... The upstairs is closed due to the roof leaking but the downstairs was open.  The electric sliding doors juddered open to reveal a dimly lit cluttered space.  I couldn't find them straight away but two mature ladies were stacking the shelves and pointed me in the direction of the sharpeners ... There was a wide selection from functional to novelty which almost made up for the dingy feeling of the remnants of the store.  Of course there was no one at the desk only self service machines so I served myself and went.  It made me wonder how many pencils that are perfectly serviceable are thrown into landfill because only 1 in 5 pencil retailers sells a sharpener.  The search took me half an hour which cost £2.60 in parking fees.  It would've been cheaper to order one on Amazon.... but I got one... I suppose...
 

The Black Hole

As it is returning to Earth, the Labour Party discovers a black hole with the apparently abandoned and long-lost UK economy nearby, the same economy that Gordon Brown was aboard when it vanished 14 years ago. Commander Starmer decides to investigate and finds that there is a mysterious null gravity field surrounding the economy that allows it to defy the massive gravitational pull of the black hole called false accounting. The economy briefly strays outside the field and is damaged by the intense isolationism , forcing it to emergency dock with the EU, which it long ago abandoned.  

A subsequent media storm and the explosion of the economy's overstressed NHS cause the economy to fail. Without its null-gravity bubble, the UK quickly starts to break apart under the black hole's huge financial forces.  Within the black hole, the economy completely breaks apart. 

Bless Mr Tyson, always the perfect gentleman ...

 

...except for that one time in 1991.

The Pope sits on the US border fence ...

As the US election plods on Pope Francis has now weighed in to tell Catholics to vote for the lesser of two evils.  “Both are against life, be it the one who kicks out migrants, or be it the one who kills babies,″ intoned Pope Francis recently torn between Kamala's support for abortion and Donald's dogwhistling Fascism.  An ethical dilemma?  It sure is... I enjoyed reading my mum's Catholic Herald recently which says that J D Vance had a point that the childless have less stake in society and so shouldn't be listened to ... I agree wholeheartedly.  That's why I stopped listening to the Pope.  Celibate old man - what he know?  Seriously though perhaps Pope Francis should consider that as a man without children he is one of the very people from whom J D Vance wishes to wrest polity.  Mind you these days our J D says he wouldn't have certified the 2020 election so I doubt it would just be cat ladies...  The ReTrumpian party aren't even hiding their dictatorial agenda anymore.  It's almost as if they don't think they're going to win and are looking to ferment another insurrection... Judge Merchan has kicked Trump's sentencing and his decision on the immunity issues into the long grass of after-the-election but the constitutional crisis that will occur if and when Donald is potentially sentenced to porridge is still coming down the line.  Unless, of course, he wins in 2024.  Then it's game over for Western Democracy I suppose...

Top Tip : Zionists...

 

...I'm not Jewish 

or a doctor

However, never one to let being completely ineligible and unqualified stop me applying for anything I applied anyway and received the following reply

Shalom Anthony,

Thank you for contacting the Jewish Agency.

Firstly, in order to make Aliyah you have to be eligible. Under the Law of Return, to make Aliyah you need to have a Jewish parent and/or grandparent, or be Jewish yourself.

Any Jewish ancestry more remote than grandparents, even when having solid proof of the Jewishness of those ancestors, is beyond the scope of the Law of Return and therefore not accepted for Aliyah.

Please note that certain restrictions do apply to the Law of Return. For more information please see the link below.

https://archive.jewishagency.org/first-steps/program/5131/ 

In order to prove Jewishness, you need to have a letter from a community Rabbi stating that you, a parent or grandparent is Jewish.

If there is no Rabbi who can do this based on personal knowledge of yourself or your family, Jewish burial or marriage records can be used as proof and a community Rabbi can confirm your Jewish background based on documents.

If you have no documents proving your Jewish background, we have no way to assist your case. Please note that DNA tests are not valid proofs of Jewishness for Aliyah purposes.

If you need any further information, please do not hesitate to contact us on, gci-en@jafi.org

Sincerely,

Alina

Lucy Letby and the chances of a really stupid jury

It's hard with this blog to keep up with the endless nonsense written on the internet but I was particularly impressed by this person who tried to argue that juries are unrepresentative of normal intelligence because they're selected at random... (the starter of the thread has done a runner and deleted the original post perhaps realising it's drivel)

...but, of course, IQ is a Gaussian distribution ...

...so if you believe in such things ... 12 people selected at random would most likely give you 8 people of average intelligence, 3 people of either higher or lower than normal functioning intelligence and 1 person who is either a genius or a total nincompoop.

According to this study less than 1 per cent of juries hang... and only 51.4 per cent find the defendant guilty by majority.... with a further 12.1 reaching a majority guilty verdict and 35.9 per cent acquitting...

And there was much wailing and gnashing of upper class dentures

 

Possibly the most enjoyable aspect of the new Labour administration at the moment is the sight of public schools desperately lobbying the government about how awful it is that they are going to have to pay the 20 per cent VAT like any other business.  Ludicrous sights like a visit from the public school heads to the House of Parasites on the left abound.  

Or a petition being handed in at Number 10 - bet that's the first time its signatories have ever had to sign any petition - makes one want to crack open a case of Stella to see the boot now on the other foot after years of Bedroom Taxes and Dickensian two child benefit caps...

Charmless and wafer thin skinned failed London Mayoral candidate Susan Hall protests that "If enough pupils leave private schools because their parents can’t afford the fees you will have to pick up all of their costs for schooling. It could end up costing taxpayers more not making any money at all. So short sighted but to be expected from this new Labour lot" ...

Well, let's do the maths of that...

Average public school day fees £24000 x 20% = £4800

State education place per pupil £7,690

Difference £2890

Number of private school children 615,000

Worse case scenario sector state loses -£1.72bn

Best case scenario state makes £2.95bn

Over 60% would have to leave before loss.

Other ludicrous arguments in favour of inequality include that since the parents of private school children have taken their children out the state system they deserve a rebate for not using state education resources.  Well, I've never had any children - where's my tax rebate?  No one can explain that one ... not even JD Vance...

Only thing funnier is the chinless wonders complaining that the abolition of 92 hereditary Peers who have been clinging on for grim reincarnation for the last 25 years since the last 1999 showdown (see here) with the toffs will be upturning 1000 years of history.  My family have been here since 1066, where's our seat?

The Extreme Torture of buying a ticket for the Vue Cinema

As it was half price day I bought a ticket for the VUE cinema.  Boy is it painful now.  First you book on line and then it generates one of those QR codes that is meant to hold all information in some bizarre pattern of blobby squares.  You then go the cinema are greeted by a wall of touch screens which a lady directs you to to purchase popcorn etc.  Because, of course, simply handing the money over to a person was too simple.  The touchscreen menu is the stuff of nightmares leading one round and round in circles while the computer makes heroic, annoying and hopeless attempts to hard upsell you more food.  I suppose they need a computer to do this because it's quite hard to train humans to be that rude.  It's sort of like being sold food by the Daleks.  The lady by the screens promptly dematerialises in case you break free of the time loop.  You then get a further piece of paper dispensed by the machine which you must take to the counter to get your popcorn and go to the entrance desk where another lady informs you that although you have a QR code she cannot decipher it but need tickets.  So you go back to the popcorn desk and ask yet another lady to print the tickets out who says "I can do this but you don't need me to do it but I can do it" as if I've asked her to come up with a complicated machine learning algorithm and not just scan a QR code that automatically prints two tickets for her.  You then take these tickets which tell you where to sit to lady number 4.  If you can get through all that the new recliner seats are a very nice experience and you can put your feet up and hope you recover from the bureaucracy PTSD by the end of the film... 

The Doctor will pay you now...

Today I was informed by Dr. Paul H, MSc, PhD, FRAS, MRi that I had won the local South Croydon Labour Party lottery prize of £24.  Unfortunately with all his academic qualifications Dr H has now concluded that the lottery isn't actually financially sensible for the party.  

I know, Dr Paul.  That's why I entered.

The staff of Clintons are given their cards

 

I've heard that you are closing down.

It made me sad.  It made me frown.

I hope you all get better jobs

And on the last day no one sobs

That this will be a stepping stone

to better work when you are gone

Redundancy is but door

It makes you temporarily poor

But you'll bounce back as good as new

So don't be down and don't be blue

At least that's what we're supposed to say

On this the most unhappy day

Yes I am sorry for your loss

And that you had a stupid boss

Claiming Repairs for my Corsa under Vauxhall's Lifetime Warranty isn't as easy as it used to be...