Ello ello ello goodbye

It’s such fun reporting crime to the local Popo.

The classics they come out with.

“Can’t fingerprint that, mate”. Funny …Smooth, non-porous surfaces like glass, polished metal and varnished wood are generally the best for capturing fingerprints according to Wikipedia.

Earlier this year I reported a vandalised tap to the local bobby via his email. Heard nothing. I expect he’s too busy having a cuppa with a councillor. Well, I suppose chocolate teapots go in pairs.

I reported it officially and uploaded the CCTV with full face shots via the Met website after the previous year spending weeks figuring out how to install cameras in areas with no electricity using solar panels and what kind of equipment I need to make the wireless signals strong enough to pick up on the router.

I got the enthusiastic response “What do you expect us to do?” Well, nicking villains would be nice.

And what do you get after that? Dead air.

Okay, maybe full face shots … that’s not enough to catch someone if they don’t have a record but you get literally no feedback … Unless you constantly chase.

It’s like dealing with the customer service department of BHS in the months before they went bust. But without the enthusiasm.

Still, I can’t say I don’t see bobbies on the beat because they’re often outside the shop in the summer enjoying an ice-cream on the benches which I’m sure terrifies the vandals and burglars.

Of course, they probably think that by handing out crime numbers they’re doing us a favour but most of these low level crimes fall below the £500 excess on the block insurance so aren’t worth claiming on so instead they remain a constant low level fiscal drag on the leaseholders via their service charges.

Also the police are obsessed with the value of the theft. I told them it’s not the value that’s the issue it’s the labour cost of calling the plumber out twice. It makes you wonder if you get better service if it’s a £5,000 Rolex. I suspect not but…

Now no one’s expecting Poirot to be called in to solve the mystery of the missing tap where we know exactly who did it by sight, but I personally have never experienced the police solving a crime I’ve been the victim of in the past 25 years.

You’d think they’d solve one sometimes just as a sort of statistical accident.

I suspect most people don’t report at all because they know they’ll be assiduously ignored. I know I don’t.

So I’m sure removing front desks from police stations will be a very successful strategy in reducing the crime figures. Think you were talking to a brick wall before? You really are now.