Lord Barwell was 'ere...

Switched on the TV last night and there was "Brexitcast" from the BBC Radio Theatre.  Brexit as infotainment.  Sitting in the audience was the recently defrenstrated Lord Barwell and his hilarious banter.  How very jolly.  But what happens in 2 years when the negotiations that we just finished  the 3 year negotiation of end...?  This is not the end of the cockups but it maybe the beginning of the start of some...

Data Protection Crap

Just rung Thames Water to tell them that my bathroom is uninhabitable due to a sewage leak from the main sewer which has been pumping poo onto the lawn.

"Can I ask what you told the Managing Agent yesterday here is the reference for the call?  I have a reference... "

"Sorry due to data protection legislation we can't discuss anyone else's complaints about the main sewer run"

What a load of shit!

Nursing a Coffee...

After 45 years on this earth I have mastered the art of making 1 pint of bitter last 1 hour when I need to wait for an appointment and it's cold outside.   But the pub on Teddington high street is closed so I am today nursing a large coffee in Cafe Nero... which boasts the best expresso this side of Milan and presents them in ridiculous looking shot glasses to the middle classes who wouldn't pop over the road to the pub for for a proper shot because it is seedy and closed.  Mrs Miggins is nowhere to be seen but I was served by a lady with Trainee Barrister on her shirt.  I congratulated her on being called to the bar at such an early age but she just looked at me strangely.  Looking about the patrons the art to making the single coffee last an hour or more seems to be to bring a newspaper with you and pretend to do the crossword or to be incredibly involved and interested in international affairs and politics to a level that is only possible when you have bugger all to do in the middle of the day.  Others pretend to be hard at work at their laptops but something tells me they don't all own tech startups.  Then again perhaps this is how they start... People stuck in human waiting rooms with nothing else to do... At least when nursing a pint in a pub corner you don't have to pretend that your mind is alive.  Staring into space and looking pissed or listening to an old alcoholic's hard luck story is all that is required.  Already my mouth is incredibly dry and I am developing a cough and the Trainee Barrister has whisked away they plate that used to have an upmarket bun on it.  This is going to be harder than it looks.... Perhaps if I pretend it it Jonathan's Coffee House I can start the next South Sea Bubble and make a mint... mind you I bet even the mints cost a bomb here so perhaps not...

Heineken 0.1

On a recent visit to Sam Rhodes Comedy Explosion I treated myself to a Heineken 0.0...

... Only for the man behind the bar to warn me that it doesn't actually contain no booze...?

Sure enough...

The back of the bottle informs the imbiber that it actually contains 0.05 per cent...

... Of course actually mathematically 0.00 to 0.04 should be rounded down to 0.00 while 0.05 to 0.09 should be rounded up to 0.1.


Therefore the product is in fact deceptively named.  It should be called Heineken 0.1 not Heineken 0.0!

I shall be grassing them up to the ASA directly...

The Royal Family Isn't Working...

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex today announced their support from Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour party.  Princess Meghan said “We fully support the Labour party’s vision of a 32 hour working week.  We should live to work not work to live.  This is why, while not going out on strike, recently we have instituted a policy of working to rule.”  

Prince Harry rejoined “Yes, whilst politically neutral for constitutional reasons... the Royal Family have an unearned reputation of being secret Tories but we actually have a strong heritage of socialism in "the firm".   My great Uncle Edward famously withdrew his labour in the 1930s because the Church of England discriminated against him for his poor choice of women and because he invited the wrong kind of people to cocktail parties.  We have decided to do something similar for similar reasons...”

Prince Andrew, who has also cut down on his Royal duties recently, chimed into the debate: “I did everything I could to reduce the costs of the Monarchy to the taxpayer,” he said, “such as staying at friend’s houses while I was abroad rather than renting posh penthouses but all the thanks I got was barbed accusations that I was visiting houses of ill repute.  People think it’s easy being a Royal but it’s actually very difficult to ask someone “Hello, and what do you do?” particularly so when they may come back with the answer “I’m an underage prostitute.””

Prince Phillip was unavailable for a racist comment having previously withdrawn his labour on the grounds he was too old to stand up and therefore his stand-up comedy routines about slitty eyed foreigners no longer had the same punch when being delivered from a wheelchair.   

“In order for my kind of comedy to work,” he said, “one has to punch down rather than up and that’s something one cannot do well sitting down.  Besides which my grandson tells me some of my jokes about foriegners are no longer as funny as they were and I should make way for alternative comedy...”  One of Prince Phillips most recent gigs was described by the press as a "car crash".