Wednesday, 15 January 2020

Pope Benedict XVI emerges from the catacombs...






In 2013 the then Pope (Benedict XVI) Joseph Ratzinger resigned his post – usually a job for life and indeed death as previous Popes are often exhumed and placed posthumously on public display ....

...(see Pope John XXIII left who has just put his feet up for a moment to enjoy a wax face pack) to show how incorruptible they are – 

and told us all he couldn’t be Pope anymore because he wasn’t at all well.   

He was moved in to the Mater Ecclesiae monastery at the bottom of Pope Francis’s garden where he was relatively silent till the other day when he broke cover to tell us all married priests are wrong.

Fair enough but wasn’t it Pope (Benedict XVI) Joseph Ratzinger who relaxed the ban on married priests so that vicars of the Church of England could become turncoats and join the RCC if they discovered they disliked the idea of female clergy more than celibacy…?

Or was I half asleep that day?

No doubt there is some incredibly clever reason why this is simply a matter of practice not doctrine and there’s one rule for headhunted staff and another for new applicants … but please don’t write in if you can explain it …I really don’t want to know…

Wednesday, 8 January 2020

Taking the Pea



Do not buy Israeli houmous
and you will end their apartheid
It may seem it’s preposterous
that chickpea spreads can turn the tide
of public opinion in Jerusalem
but when on dips, crackers and toast
there’s only Sainsbury’s own brand then
they’ll listen to the Palestinian
complaints about the occupation.
This advice isn’t anti-Semitism.

Monday, 6 January 2020

One small step for man, but one giant leap beyond a man's imagination...



Today I have been chatting online with Craig Campbell who is convinced that the moon landings were faked.  I’ve only ever met Craig once when I did an open spot at the Comedy Store many years ago.  In those days I was so young and green that I thought comedians had acts and just pretended to talk nonsense on stage.  Then I grew up and discovered that most comedians actually believe the nonsense they speak.

Craig has many opinions that he expresses vociferously on Facebook chiding those who disagree with him with various terms of low level verbal abuse.  Most of these pass me by but for some reason I happened to find his statement that the moon landings were faked to be particularly offensive.  Perhaps because I happen to have seen moon rocks and remember looking at the data from them as an undergraduate student.  I’m pretty sure it would be hard to fake the carbon dating results and make them match a geological picture of the formation of the universe.

Never-the-less while journeying to the moon was one giant leap for mankind belief in the moon landings is one small step of logic too far for Craig for whom the whole episode must have been a giant conspiracy concocted for Machiavellian geopolitical purposes which escape me.  So I tried questioning him about what specifically about the moon landings was too big a leap of faith for him … Presumably he believes in nuclear missiles and ICBMs … the moon rockets were just similar technology pointed in a different direction.

However, it was like trying to have a logical discussion with a member of the flat Earth society.  What I did find I could establish is that Craig could believe in rockets.  And he could believe in satellites.  He couldn’t believe that men could escape from earth however even when I explained that as you go away from earth the pull of gravity decreases proportional to 1 / (the radius of the earth)^2 and as there is no friction in space so... once you get going there’s nothing to stop you so you don’t actually need that much fuel…

He seemed to be able to believe in the shuttle craft but he couldn’t believe in inter-planetary human travel because of the limitations of the Van Allen belt even though it’s possible to minimise the radiation absorbed by astronauts by shielding, travelling quickly and exploiting the fact it is thinner at the poles.  So... while Craig could believe in robotic space travel (which is presumably how he explains away the existence of moon rocks) he couldn’t believe in human space travel.  Not even the International Space Station which is in low orbit and visible with the naked eye.

Still what do I know…? Brianwashed little me… we cannot escape earth's orbit according to Craig... perhaps he is right and we can't...



...or perhaps what he can't accept is that things don't always revolve about him and other celestial bodies can attract human beings.  It may seem a pointless argument but really I think what these people can't accept about space travel is it makes their own lives seem insignificant...?  Still it's really disturbing that seemingly sane people can be so narrowminded.  Yes, laugh now but these are exactly the same people who persecuted Galileo for his championing of heliocentrism ...

To be fair to Craig ... perhaps the larger problem is that only 12 people have actually ever been to the moon (a third of whom are dead) so it is just about possible to postulate a conspiracy theory that we've never gone and they were all lying.

Perhaps the deeper problem is that we've never returned...  Well, either that or his jaded view of the world doesn't allow for the idea of civilisation having achieved things and this is one of civilisation's biggest achievements?

Sunday, 5 January 2020

Hello Boots, I think you might just not have any qualified staff

Hello Anthony ,
We think you might have missed your appointment.
Appointment Details:
Appointment Category
Pharmacy
Date & Time
Saturday, 4 January 2020 at 4:15
Patient Name
Anthony


Dear Boots, 

No I turned up and a man behind the counter stared vacantly into space while telling me the pharmacist was not there.  

He did not seem to know when they were going to be back in either and asked me if I could just pop back in on the off-chance some other time.... so I decided not to bother either...

I would feed this information back to you privately but you emailed me via a no reply email. 

Friday, 3 January 2020

Never get on a plane with Doctor Who...

Doctor Who returned on New Years Day ...at the same time I've been watching the very first Doctor Whos as Ava bought me some William Hartnell DVDs for my birthday and christmas as the old VHS tapes are starting to refuse to go through the machine...

New Doctor Who looks very cinematic.  I seem to remember them going on about how cinematic it looks because they have special lenses or something.  Last year (or was it the year before) they told us they were using Cooke anamorphic Prime lenses and Angenieux Optimo anamorphic zooms that will be used with Arri Alexa XT and Alex Mini cameras.  I don't know who that press release was supposed to appeal to apart from Emmanuel Lubezk who I doubt was watching anyway but you never know...

However now they have these lenses we get lots of sweeping panoramas... which is great but the show seems to forget sometime that it is television.  If you want to make a feature film why not do that? and we promise to traipse over to Vue and endure other people's children...

In the photo above first Doctor William Hartnell grabs onto his lapels ... a unique style of acting he created for the then very small screen because the sets and screen were so small if he waved his arms about no one could see them and he'd knock over the other actors... This crampedness makes early Doctor Who very intimate and I can't help feeling that with the expanded visuals new Doctor Who sometimes loses this intimacy a bit.  Don't get me wrong it's great that the small screen can now compete with the big screen but I think it sometimes forgets what the advantages are of the small screen over the big screen?  Well, I had to find something to complain about as there's no point in a review if you're not going to be critical.  At least that's what Dorothy Parker told me the last time I met up with her vicious circle in our local speakeasy.

There were some nice plot twists in the Doctor's latest outing but also quite a few cliches ... like why does anyone ever get on a plane with the Doctor?  And has he ever been on a plane that hasn't crashed since the series was rebooted?  Seriously ... he is the Jonah of planes...  and if he/she asks you to go to a remote base anywhere ...trust me ...just don't go ... you're only going to get stuck in a seige...

Not Only ... But Also... MI5

Yesterday I was unfriended by someone on Facebook.  I questioned the narrative generally wheeled on in articles such as this  that all the B...

Least ignored nonsense this month...