0.1% Growth

The economy grew unexpectedly by 0.1% today which was welcome news for Rachel Reeves who who recently suffered stinging criticism from former school teachers who said that she had failed her 11+ and not done very well at all at her Comprehensive School.  

Mrs McClusky (99) said "Rachel was a very lazy child known for copying other children's homework and smoking cigarettes behind the bike shed", whilst Mr Bronson (105) recalled that "Rachel was a disruptive element within my class".  

Ms F Craddock (120) recalled that "I don't know what she was like at economics at the Bank of England but she was rubbish at Home Economics.  Often her cakes would sag in the middle, probably because she was always slamming doors so I've no idea what she'd do to our economy."

A fellow pupil who wishes to remain anonymous described Reeves as "Someone who was very bad at investing pocket money". 

Meanwhile Andrew Neil tweeted that it was only a matter of time before the British Economy slunk into recession.  "It's bound to happen sooner or later," he said.  "It's just a matter of waiting till she messes up.  Why wait?  Keir Starmer needs to replace her now even though nothing has gone wrong yet because it will go wrong eventually."