Paula Vennels explains her use of crocodiles

Paula Vennels was cross examined today at the inquiry into the Post Office scandal about whether the tears she had shed yesterday were actually from a crocodile.

"Although you appeared yesterday to instantly break down when told about the fact that you clearly tried to sweep so much dirt under the carpet when you gave evidence to Parliament that you wore your metaphorical broom out, it's now clear to this inquiry that actually those tears you appeared to shed yesterday were not, in fact, yours.  It appears in reality that you seem to have supplied those tears from a small pet crocodile that you keep in your crocodile skin handbag for just such a contingency, is that not so?" asked Mr Jonah Slightlycross for the Inquiry.

"Just because I take a small crocodile with me everywhere I go does not mean I am incapable of crying," replied Ms Vennels.  "I frequently cry when faced with any need to take accountability for the vast criminal conspiracy that surrounded me.  It's only when other people tell me their problems that I have to sometimes fall back on the help of my pet crocodile for tears, besides which although there is a sign saying dogs are banned from the inquiry, I am unaware of any prohibition on crocodiles giving evidence - just as I was totally unaware of the vast criminal conspiracy to pervert the course of justice at which I was near the epicenter for at least 5 years despite people repeatedly trying to bring the matter to my attention.  Just because I was repeatedly doorstepped by journalists doesn't mean that I had any clue what was going on.  Although I would like to take the blame, I am afraid I have only just recently washed my hands and retired on a humongous Final Salary Pension."