Social media use as bad for children as smoking

Social media use ranks with smoking as a threat to the health of young people, according to the UK's most senior doctors.

Timothy (not his real name) was a prolific user of TikTok until one day he developed sever emphysema.  "I thought l was just watching silly videos.  I didn't realise that the addictive act of scrolling could cause lifelong breathing difficulties.". Timothy who now has to wheel an oxygen cylinder around with him everywhere says he wishes someone had warned him of the extreme health risks.

Sarah (not her real name) used to spend several hours a day following celebrities on Instagram but in recent months she found she had difficulty going to the toilet.  "I didn't realise that being on social media could make you so up your own arse you become constipated" she said.  Sarah has since been diagnosed with terminal colon cancer.  Her parents started a GoFundMe which she shared on social media only making herself even more ill.

Mohammed (not his real name) used to use Snapchat to communicate with his friends until he discovered one day that he had contracted sever epilepsy.  "I was happy smoking behind the bike sheds until Rishi Sunak banned it," he said.  "But then I became addicted to receiving images that disappeared and couldn't cope when they didn't."

Rani (not her real name) used to enjoy talking to her friends on Facebook but after one of her posts went viral she started coughing up blood.  "I didn't realise that a viral post could lead to one contracting a real virus like Ebola," she said from her hospital bed.  "I wish someone had told me this.". Doctors have given her a week to live.

The UK Medical Council suggests keeping teenagers in hermetically sealed tupperware boxes until they are at least 18.  Some names have been changed for legal reasons such as protecting the identities of fictional characters.