Guest post by the POTUS

 

Why didn't we tell our Japanese allies about our decision to attack Iran?  Well, did they tell us about Pearl Harbour?  No.  They like surprises ... By a lot.  I model myself on General Tojo ... By a lot.  You gotta have the element of surprise.  We went in and hit them hard.  Like an air raid.  Japan killed 2,403 Americans and left 1,178 others wounded all on one day.  We hope to improve on that.  We're also retraining our pilots in the Japanese art of Kamikaze.  I've been practicing this myself recently.  Some people said I shat myself publicly in front of the world's press.  Actually it was divine wind.  Some people say we are losing control of the Straight of Hormuz but I reply that in our present situation, I firmly believe that the only way to swing the war in our favor is to resort to crash-dive attacks with our aircraft. There is no other way. There will be more than enough volunteers for this chance to save our country, and I would like to command such an operation. If Congress provide me with $300bn I will turn the tide of war.  Can't say fairer than that.  

Pete Hegseth has promised to train our young people to fly out new Cherry Blossom flying bombs personally. As I say to my son Barin, when you eliminate all thoughts about life and death, you will be able to totally disregard your earthly life. This will also enable you to concentrate your attention on eradicating the enemy with unwavering determination, meanwhile reinforcing your excellence in flight skills.  But obviously he can't pilot a flying bomb due to bone spurs - a very cruel hereditary condition.  It's a real shame. I'm sure there's nothing he would like more than to die for his Emperor father.  Then again some people say he looks like Dracula, so maybe he already is dead.  Sometimes I think I am too.  People say I'm dead behind the eyes every day.  I take it as a compliment by a lot.  I'm only sorry that our NATO partners won't be joining the fight.  It's very sad how our allies aren't rallying round us in the same way Germany & Italy honoured their Tripartite agreement in 1942...  The Japanese PM say Baron looks like me and is very handsome.  That's what I like about Japanese.  They know how to kiss bottom.